Tag: motivational

A World I Can No Longer Play In

Published on by Kimberly Novak5 Comments

new-year-partyHere we are less than two days away from the new year.  I”m sure like me you are contemplating your resolutions, while looking back on 2013.  Some moments may be proud, other’s may make you look back and say “what?”, but none the less here we are embarking on another phase of our lives.  As usual I took a look back at my posts for 2013 and was stunned to see that exactly one year ago today I wrote a post titled Ready to Fly.  So why was I stunned?  Partly because I’m not sure I flew this year, in fact I know for sure that my wings have been grounded so to speak.  

During the year I posted about pain, panic, PTSD, being broken, finding peace, facing loneliness and accepting all of those things. So how in the world am I ready to fly with all of these issues going on?  and more so how could I think I was ready to fly a year ago?  These are questions I’ve been asking myself all day. Now, the year was not all that bad.  I was able to help many of my readers with my posts, and have made new friends because of them.  I was able to see a dear friend of mine reach some very important milestones in the healing process, I witnessed someone finding faith again, I made new relationships, and faced some defeats but also survived them. 

These are all good things, yet tonight I feel shaken and frustrated.   Did you ever just sit and stare at a snow globe as the snow is coming down and think how beautiful it would be to be stuck inside dancing in it?  I have many times, but lately as I picture my globe it is different.  I feel many hands shaking waiting for the snow to fall but I’m not dancing.  Instead,  I’m holding onto the sides just waiting for the movement to stop.  I’m frustrated, fearful, and saddened over some of the realizations I’ve had this past year.

As much as I want to believe that a year ago today I was ready to fly, that could not have been possible if you look at the healing I have had to go through over the past several months.  I will say I am very proud of what I have accomplished in both the healing and grieving process, however it seems that each new encounter or experience brings along another challenge.

This past year has brought way too many decisions, or maybe I have taken on too much at once.  I found myself drowning in decision making, and in the process failing.  I have had some relationship issues this past year, some pleasant, some not so much.  Some have said I’ve sabotaged relationships, other’s have stated I may not know how to love or questioned if I had ever really loved before.   I am quick to blame my past circumstances but that really is no excuse;  however a side effect of my past experience. 

Part_of_Your_World

I have often felt like I lost my voice somewhere.  I had lived under the control of another for so long that I don’t know how to find my own voice, but I know it is in there somewhere and I am determined to find it.

So, what do I do at this point?  I acknowledge the fact that I am still grieving, I’m still trying to figure out how to survive my divorce and be comfortable in my new life.  That will get easier in time once my surroundings stop changing.  I have had so many changes besides the divorce over the past three years, that it is no wonder there isn’t a blizzard in my snow globe of life, I need to take charge before an avalanche takes me out.

I am thankful and blessed for all the new friendships I’ve made and the people who have come into my life this past year and I would not change that for the world.  Actually, I wouldn’t change anything because If I have learned anything this year, it’s that they are right when they say change makes us stronger and I would not be who I am today if I had not gone through what I have. Getting to know this new person I’ve become is my next step.

Life after a loss or divorce becomes a world we are not equipped to handle, a world we can no longer play in.   I was searching for a song tonight, as it is a ritual of mine to listen as I write.  I searched the entire time I was planning my outline and could not find anything that was inspiring me.  Then out of nowhere while searching pictures I came upon Part of  Your World from the Little Mermaid.  That song as always touched me, but tonight it means even more to me than it ever has before.  I am living in a new world, just like Ariel.  Perseverance, faith, trust, and love will become the tools to carry me through.  I may not be ready to fly just yet, what matters most is that  I am free to fly.

Are you free to fly? do you feel ready?  If you have a similar story, please share.

Happy New Year,

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

12/30/13

Related blogs/links

Part Of Your World, The Little Mermaid

God’s Flight, Why I’m Grateful

Angel Soaring, Random T’s

Strong =

Published on by Kimberly Novak10 Comments

strong like a butterflyStrong = secure, well-built, indestructible, well protected, solid, durable, tough, long-lasting, sturdy, tough, rugged, powerful, strapping, muscular…….so why is it that at our weakest moment someone says ” you are strong you can handle this?”

I think that when we are dealing with a struggle, people surrounding us are truly trying their best to pump us up by telling us that we are STRONG, unknowing that what they are doing is potentially knocking us down.  It is very hard to train yourself to act or feel strong when you are going through the biggest struggle of your life.

In all reality we want to be seen as strong I know I did.  Could I be seen as strong when I first learned of what my future held?;  could I be seen as strong when I learned my children would live with their dad?; could I be seen as strong when I moved into the home that housed the mistress?; The answer to all of those questions is absolutely not!  So why did so many people continue to tell me how strong I was?

People see what you have survived as kind of like winning a boxing championship title, they then consider you STRONG.  Sometimes they don’t realize that even though you have survived it and you are still going about your daily activities, you may still be crumbling inside.  They may not know that when the phone rings you cringe thinking it has something to do with him, or that silly piece of mail you get every month reminding you of an oil change has his name on it is sending you into a tail spin.  Trying to remain STRONG during all these little trivial things can be a big challenge.

I have recently learned that strength and strong are two very different words.  Being strong and  having strength can at times be total opposites.  Was I strong enough to handle what I was facing? maybe not, but did I have the strength to face it and survive it….hell yes! Learning to tap into my strength reserves took some time and practice, but as of today I am learning how to channel that strength and turn it into being strong.  strong is our choice

We all want to be seen as a trooper and concur anything that is thrown our way, but sometimes we are tossed some curve balls that no one could possibly see coming… that is when we need to tap into our reserves and find our STRENGTH.  The power that is within us to sustain anything, to endure anything, to face our biggest fears…when we use that power is when we are ultimately STRONG!

How have you used your strength to become strong?  Please respond.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

Related Links/Posts

When I Get There, I quote you not

I can Just be me, Laura Story

Does PTSD after divorce exist? You better believe it!

Published on by Kimberly Novak104 Comments

ptsd1I can chalk today up to a really bad day, or a valuable lesson learned.  It’s been two years since D-day and I like to think that I’m healing at a somewhat normal pace.  I’ve been able to move on in all aspects of my life, little things that used to bother me don’t anymore, I’m good with being in the same room as my ex and I even faced forgiveness head on and chose it!  So why am I now, at this point, experiencing  post traumatic stress symptoms?

The term is most recognized for people who have gone through war, seen very traumatic events, and suffered great loss during that time.  I do not want to even try to compare what I went through against what a war veteran has experienced.  What I can do is talk about similarities.  We do not often hear of PTSD following an emotional or social event it’s usually something that was very abusive.  Well, I was very surprised when I began looking for information on this topic to find so many links to articles relating to post divorce PTSD.  

Divorce will bring about traumatic events that leave us scarred in the same way as a person who has survived combat.  In fact, most divorces share similar types of  combat, war, traumatic events and end up the same way….with a loss.  In a previous post I wrote about finding battle scars, and trying to differentiate between the two can be confusing.  When I found the scar, it was only because someone pointed it out to me.  I was surprised but dealt with it and moved on from it with a sense of accomplishment!  This time was different.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m learning to listen to my intuition, although lately, I am getting a little annoyed when she calls!  Reluctantly, I took her call,  and it was just as I thought.  Prior to that event though, is when the PTSD showed its ugly head.   When I started to wonder about the situation, the emotions I felt were something I had felt before, and they were not welcome emotions.   I immediately tried to put it off to the side and pay no attention to it, but she kept on calling! I thought maybe I was over reacting.   When I finally took a moment to think about what I was feeling and why, I was brought back to that day.  My heart raced, face went white, and hands were shaky. I was feeling every emotion, uncertainty, insecurity, and most of all fear; it was all too familiar.  

I was brought back to my trauma similarly as a war veteran who hears a loud noise.  Even though the situation was different and in no way related to my marriage or why it ended, I was going through the same feelings all over again.  It scared the crap out of me and I began to go through a list of questions.  Does this mean I’m not as far along in my healing process as I thought I was?  Will this happen again?  Does this happen to others?  How can I stop this from happening?

I don’t have all the answers just yet. What I do know and can trust is my intuition and I promised her I would continue to take her calls no matter how bad they will be.  As far as my healing process, I do think I am where I thought I was, otherwise I wouldn’t recognize what I’m feeling.  I will encounter speed bumps along the way some big some small, this one was a big one maybe the next will be a little smaller.  Will this happen again?  YES, if I am to continue to heal properly I have to go through every emotion, every failure, and every triumph.  Does this happen to others?  YES ( links to articles below), unfortunately I am not the only one but we can all learn from each other.  How can I stop this from happening?  I can’t, which is a good thing.  It means that I will continue to move forward no matter what scars, or traumatic memories I have and I will grow stronger as each one rears its ugly head.  Now is my chance to fight against each scar or traumatic stress symptom, and continue to fight until I am free from each one.  When I least expect it, that day will come.  intition

It’s almost as if the last two years have been preparing me for a new battle.  I am now at war with memories, feelings, emotions and circumstances that at some time in my life will become familiar again.  Being able to recognize, trust and battle them will be what leads me to ultimate healing and happiness.

I’m not sure if I really learned a lesson or if it’s that I learned more about what I went through and how it may affect me in the future.  What I did learn is a good thing, I’m not numb to feelings, I have not been ruined by my divorce, trusting in myself and allowing myself to feel things again is an amazing feeling!

I”d love to hear from other’s who have also suffered PTSD symptoms after divorce.  Do you have a similar experience to share?  Please respond in the comments.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

1/4/13

Related Links/ Blogs

Is your high conflict divorce causing PTSD?

I have PTSD after my divorce

It’s ok not to be ok