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Kimberly
Courageous Butterfly
6/17/12
Tag: loss
I’m Gleaning
Definition of GLEAN: intransitive verb
1: to gather grain or other produce left by reapers
2: to gather information or material bit by bit
1a: to pick up after a reaper. b: to strip(as a field) of the leavings of reapers
2a: to gather (as information) bit by bit. b: to pick over in search of relevant material/ gleaning old files for information.
The other day I was approached for some advice. We spoke only briefly, but during that moment I found myself going back to a dark place that I had once been in and it scared the crap out of me! I wondered, how can I continue to offer advice or help people if their issues bring up my old wounds? However, the reason I was being asked for advice is because I had gone through it and I may have have information that could offer some help. What I need to do is learn how to glean through my emotions.
I was sharing this with a friend yesterday and was told that the best advice anyone can offer is based on real emotions, and because I had gone through what I did I can offer real advice not hypothetical. I still had some concerns though; its only been a year and a half am I ready to be the person for other’s to turn to? After some reflection I realized that I have a passion within me to share my story in the hopes that I can help anyone even in the slightest. So the answer to that is a heartwarming YES! It may be the best time because the emotions are still so real in my mind. I can still feel every ounce of what I went through. Which brought up another concern; if I continue to re-live my trial every time I offer help to someone else will I ever be free of it? The answer to that is NO. However, no matter if I’m helping other’s or not I will never be free of any of those feelings because they are within me.
That’s where gleaning comes in. When I am asked a question or asked for advice I am searching bit by bit through what I went through looking for relevant material or old information that may fit their current situation. I need to be able to go back to those moments so that I can offer my best suggestions. No situation will be exactly the same but if they are similar in nature I can share what I did or what I wish I had done.
I’ll admit I was sad that day and fearful of the fact that if I am to continue on this journey of being a shoulder for other’s and sharing my experiences with them there will be times when I will have to recall some of those painful memories. But I am determined to make myself available for anyone out there suffering a loss. I am willing and ready to go back down any road I have to if it offers comfort or clarity for other’s in their struggle.
I also know that in the process of gleaning I will learn how to recall those memories without them having a negative affect on the new person I have become. Wow! In typing that last sentence I can see that I am truly making progress on my transformation and I’m Blessed to be able to share with all of you. I hope some of you are doing the same on your journey! Together we will all transform into the beautiful butterflies we are meant to be.
Is anyone willing to share a moment when you saw progress in your transformation? GLEAN through your memory and leave a reply.
Kimberly
Courageous Butterfly
5/19/12
I’ve been VALIDATED!
It is a frustrating feeling when you are unsure about something that you think is truth but you have not been able to achieve getting concrete proof. I have had doubts about something that happened in the past. The reason I doubted myself at all is because it was not something that was tangible. I couldn’t see it therefore maybe it didn’t really happen. Well, I was not expecting to ever really learn if my truth was actual and I have finally been provided with the confirmation I was hoping for. I am happy to say that I can now let go of every bit of that doubt.
Here is where it get’s tricky. The information I was hoping for is also something that was very upsetting to me and really hard to take. Even though deep down I knew it was the truth, getting that confirmation was a scary feeling because of the pain it caused me for so many years as well as in that moment. I am Excited to report that it was in fact only a “moment”. As soon as I realized that I was heading towards those horrible feelings of pain and hurt is when I realized that it wasn’t pain I should be feeling, it was VALIDATION. I had been suffering for so long with my own doubts wondering if what I thought was the truth really was and in this “moment” I was Blessed with the truth. Therefore, I did not slide down the slope of pain and hurt instead I stood proud in knowing that I had been Validated. If this has taught me anything, it is that I will forever trust my instincts even if I do not have concrete proof. The worst that can happen is that I may be wrong, it is nothing compared to having feelings of doubt.
Sometimes it is hard for us to be tuned into seeing the signs of something that is happening directly in front of our faces. There were a few signs that were thrown into my face for many years but for some reason I didn’t see them coming. I was obviously looking in another direction, but if I had seen the signs would it really have mattered? I believe the answer to that question is YES. Allowing myself to see the signs may not have changed the outcome but instead may have made it easier to handle. We know that everything happens for a reason and there is a reason that it took me so long to finally be able to know the whole truth. 
Maybe someday I”ll know what that reason is or maybe not. For me today it does not matter what the reason is or was because along with the validation came acceptance. Now that I have the truth I have something tangible and I can choose to accept what happened and move forward.
Recently, today actually, I was again Blessed by a HUGE sign about something else going on in my life that I had wondered about. I know that the only reason I was able to see it is because of what I went through. I am now able to see the signs whether they are big or small and I will always allow them to be present in my life. I am grateful that I was able to accept what happened in the past and begin to move forward.
So my friends I’d like to ask you. Have you ever had the privilege of seeing your signs or had the validation experience? If so how has it changed you?
Kimberly
Courageous Butterfly
4/22/12
Out of the Chrysalis 