Tag: getting on with life

Love Is…….

Published on by Kimberly Novak4 Comments

There are so many different ways to finish the thought Love Is…. and today I heard a song that really filled in those blanks for me.  This is probably one of the topics where I could sit and blog for hours on so many different points.  Tonight I just want to focus on how I felt when I heard some of the lyrics.   (You will find a link to the song at the bottom of this post.)

Sometimes love will make you cry.   Recently, my journey has brought on an unpleasant challenge.  Surprisingly  the first thing I struggled with was the fact that I still wanted to go to my ex for comfort.  Here I am after all of the time, heartache, disappointment, resentment, and pain still wanting to share important life changing moments with him.  I have had to share some instances with him that concerned the kids, but this time was different, because it concerned only me.  To tell you the truth I really didn’t know what I wanted or needed from him, it was just the fact that I was so used to sharing important things with him for so long. I was not ready to break that cycle; until now.  When I heard the lyrics “Sometimes love will make you cry” I knew that it is time to move past that urge of calling on him in a crisis.  This is something that I didn’t know still needed work and realizing it was step one. I will always carry some kind of love in my heart for the person I spent half of my life with.  Learning how to put that love behind me is step two.

Love will change your life.  This spoke to me on so many different levels.  There are so many forms of love that can change your life.  For instance the fact that I love my job!  I never thought I would end up where I am.  I am so grateful and blessed to have all of the people who were brought into my life because of it. Love won’t leave you empty.  The love from my church and Sister’s In Christ.  I cannot even begin to describe how my faith has blossomed because of the love I receive from all of those special people.  These instances all involved Love and they in fact have changed my life.

Love can heal you if you let it inside.  My absolute favorite lyric!   So many people are afraid to let love back in once they have gone through a heart-break.  I did not think it would be something that I would willingly do.  I say willing because it is definitely something that I wanted; but would I be able to let it happen?  Even letting in strong friendships was a scary thought for me because I also lost my best friend in the divorce.  Luckily, I did not struggle with my decision for very long.  I have begun to allow some of those feelings happen for me again.  It has been extremely healing for me.  Scary – yes!  but the amount of happiness that feeling like that again has brought into my life, far outweighs anything that is scary about it.

Remember, love’s not easy….but it’s worth it.  Worth it, as are most things in life that are not easy.  As survivors we have to love ourselves enough to allow those feelings back into our lives.  It will take confidence to be willing to allow it to happen.  Imagine the caterpillar in the chrysalis finally realizing that she/he is worth it; the chrysalis breaks and she/he is free to fly.  We can have that same experience and how beautiful it is!

Love can hear you, I know love will heal you….. Are you allowing Love back into your life?  Please share.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO65vqbkG_0

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

7/10/12

Garage Sale

Published on by Kimberly Novak3 Comments

Your probably thinking that is an odd title for a blog that talks about emotions, so let me explain.  I spent some time driving through towns this weekend while visiting family, grad parties, seeing friends and church this morning.  It seemed that on almost every other block was a sign for a garage sale.  Lawns were sprinkled with so much stuff.  Just from my driving by I could see items ranging from televisions, exercise equipment, clothes, and toys.  I had the same reaction every time I passed by a sign or a sale.  I thought “they just put their stuff out there for people to see and hopefully take away”.  It only took passing about 20 signs before I finally go it!  Still sound like a silly title for a blog?  I don’t think so.

Let’s start with why people have garage sales.  They have accumulated too much stuff; cleaning house; outgrown certain items; items are no longer needed; those things are no longer necessary to make them happy.  See where this is going now?  What would our lawns look like if we had a garage sale for our emotions?  I’m not sure I have a big enough lawn!  I think I would start off with different colored blankets to separate things out.  At this point in my journey I would need about four sections.  The first would be for all of those emotions that caused me to be unsure about my choices and decisions during my divorce.  Next, I’d fill one up with any regrets or fears that I have carried with me through the process.  One for feelings of doubt and insecurity.  Lastly, pain and suffering.

I know that all sounds pretty scary.  Putting yourself out in the open like that.  Think about it though, you can really tell a lot about a person by what they are selling at their garage sale.  We’ve all done it.  Just walking around and looking at the stuff on their lawns tells a lot about that person.  Most of us have had a sale in the past.  Think back and remember how good you felt when you were able to get rid of those things that you no longer needed.  There are many benefits.  Our homes are clutter free and our closets have room for something new.  All of that brings us to a level of happiness, especially the extra cash in the pocket perk.  Our heart is the home for our emotions.  It too needs a good cleaning in order to move forward freely.  

So, if we are not afraid to literally air our old belongings on our lawns and actually sell them to people, why are we afraid to let other’s see our emotions?  Here’s a funny little story. When I first started my divorce I began seeing a counselor.  I sat across from him, arms crossed and did everything in my power NOT to let him in.  There was no way I was going to let him make me cry!  I was afraid for some reason to let him see my true emotions, yet I still wanted his help.  When we are in despair, we tend to close ourselves down.  It makes us feel like we are in control, when in reality we are not.

I’ve had to deal with something this past week and it has made me realize that I need to let the non-important things go. It has also reminded me of how easy it is to shut your emotions down.  I’m dealing with something potentially serious and I have not really taken the time to let it sink in, emotionally.  I decided it was because I didn’t have room left to deal with this new emotion.  It is time to let some of the old emotions go.

Now here’s the real difference between the garage sale and emotion sale.  We don’t really want other’s to come and purchase the crap we are letting go of emotionally.  But we can have a sale in our minds.  If you are a visual person then get some construction paper and write out the feelings and emotions you are putting on your lawn.  Make the decision to spring clean your feelings.  Figure out which ones you are done with and let them go.

I put mine on my lawn this afternoon.  I no longer need to worry about them anymore so I can focus on the now.  I may have a bumpy road ahead and I need to give it my full attention.  Even if I didn’t have this new event in my life, being free of those emotions will make more room for all of the new experiences that are yet to come.

Now it’s your turn.  Take some inventory of your emotions and let go of those that you no longer need, so that you have room for the newer happier moments.

I invite you to share how you have moved past a difficult emotion.  Respond in the comments.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

7/1/12

 

 

Decide to Forgive

Published on by Kimberly Novak7 Comments

This is a big one people!  This word can be scary for most of us and it is partly because we really don’t completely understand it’s meaning.  I was reminded of that this week when I heard my ex husband’s voice on the phone for the first time in months.

I’ve been going through this process with the understanding that forgiveness is just one of the steps you take when you are healing.  Other’s say just forgive and forget.  Well my friends that’s complete bull! What happened is a part of my life, it is something I will never forget because I lived it.  Outside of early onset dementia, it is something that will be with me forever.

Silliness aside, I also have been going through this process thinking forgiveness is a choice, and was I willing to make it? After attending a very rewarding weekend at church just two months after my divorce, I was sure I could make that choice.  I listened to several speeches on the topic, and in my heart it made me happy to say  “I Forgive you.”  I even went as far as writing it out, never mailing it of course, but it allowed me to go through the motions and feel like I had completed the forgiveness step.

One year later I received a letter that I had written to myself during that weekend.  I looked at the envelope for at least an hour, trying to recall what I had written.  I poured a glass of wine, made myself comfortable and then opened it.  I hadn’t forgiven my ex that weekend, I had forgiven myself.

In that moment I decided  to forgive myself for what I went through. There were many signs thrown in my face through the years and I didn’t see them; forgiven.  I was faced with choices  and had I chosen differently maybe the truth would have been seen; forgiven.  The big one, the one that produced many tears, allowing myself to deny my intuition; forgiven.

So what is the difference between choosing and deciding?  Think about a situation when you chose to do something, maybe you never did it.  Now think about a situation you decided to do something, usually that produces the actual act of doing it.  It’s kind of crazy how two words that are so similar can bring very different outcomes.

Which brings me back to the phone call this week.  I”m still struggling with seeing or talking to my ex and I haven’t been able to figure out why.  It’s been a year and a half I should not get all teary when in his company.  I never decided to forgive him, so those feelings are festering inside me.

When I heard him on the phone there was a voice in my head saying “closure”.  We never had closure.  That day was all business and signing papers.  After 20 years and three kids we didn’t get our goodbye.  There was so much I wanted to say during that conversation but I stuck to the reason for the call.  Inside my head I was saying everything I wanted to tell him.  And I thought just because I need closure does not mean he does.  I was not about to put myself into a conversation that would make me feel worse.  I listened to his words and for myself I was getting closure.  I found myself not letting the conversation end because my head and I were still getting things out!  That was kind of funny in a way, trying to drag out a conversation when I was so fearful of hearing his voice in the first place.

It got to a point when I just couldn’t stretch it any more and it was time to say goodbye.  I would normally end a phone call with just the word bye, but in this instance I said “good-bye”.  I set the phone down, took a few moments, some deep breaths and out of my mouth came “I Forgive Him”.

I don’t condone what happened with our marriage, I’m not accepting it as something that was ok.  I made the decision to let it go.  It’s in my past and I have a future to plan for.  I cannot live in fear of seeing him or hearing his voice because he will be in my life for a very long time.  

As I sit here today and write all of this out I can honestly say that my heart feels a little lighter.  I didn’t know it but I was still holding onto some painful feelings.  My heart is more peaceful now.  No one can force you into forgiveness.  It is something that you have to decide to do and when you are ready.  I thought I had a long time ago.  It took one phone call to make me realize I wasn’t done yet.

I’d love to hear comments on this subject. It is by far the most difficult part of healing.  When did you realize that you could forgive? or when did you realize you were forgiven?

 

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

6/23/12