Tag: fear

She’s Back!

Published on by Kimberly Novak4 Comments

2009 After an opportunity to change was given to me
2009 After an opportunity to change was given to me

Ok, before you get too excited, the pic is old, it was taken in 2009 after I had been given a wonderful gift to complete a transformation.  The reason I am using it today is because it exudes how I am feeling.  It’s been said that one can lose themselves during a marriage, a bad relationship or a highly demanding job, did you know you can also lose yourself during a loss?  I never knew what an amazing gift a change in surroundings could be.  The term being freed from a prison is a definite understatement for me, not only was I shackled to my environment but my soul was lost within those walls.

I’ve been out of there for about two weeks and it’s been amazing!  I am no longer dreading coming home and I smile each time I pull into the drive.  It is such a beautiful feeling to know that I have been given a second chance at becoming renewed.  I feel lighter just knowing that I am no longer carrying the stress of the house around with me and sometimes I find myself grateful that I did have to spend some time there because  had I not, I would not be seeing the gift I have today.

This morning I woke up feeling like Kimberly.  That may seem strange but I haven’t felt her around me for a very long time.  Many years ago I would spend my Sunday’s making homemade sauce and meatballs, well I cannot tell you the last time that actually happened.  Guess what…today was the day!  I went to the store this morning and totally veered from my list and found myself tossing cans in the cart, almost running to each and every ingredient that I was going to need.  After arriving HOME, I turned up the music put on my dancing shoes (bare feet) and dug in.  I found myself taking time, savouring every stir of the spoon as I watched the sauce and herbs blending with each other.  The familiar smells, brought a peace to my heart and I became lost in the moment.  After a quick taste I felt safe, secure, and happy.  This was something that had gotten lost and tossed aside with my grief. Even though it is something simple, it brought an enormous amount of joy to my soul.inner_beauty-465605b712594973d3f6403d22684f66

I am content in knowing that things may not be perfect nothing ever is, but I have been given a great blessing, a chance to change.  Many of us do not see the chance to change as an opportunity, it is often seen as something bad and we go running in fear.  I wonder if the caterpillar sees her time in the cocoon as a gift of change and does not see it as just a circumstance beyond her control.  I’m going to guess that the beauty within her is a sign that she appreciated her chance, clung to it and emerges as the most beautiful version of her new self.

Have you been given a second chance at becoming you again?  Please share.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

9/7/14

Related blogs/topics

Blessings, Laura Story

Seeking The Real You Within

Wherever

Paramount Reflection

Thats Where You Need To Go

 

The Gloves Are Off….Healing In The Moment

Published on by Kimberly Novak3 Comments

glvoesOk, here goes nothing!  Those were my thoughts this afternoon as she headed to my way.  At first I thought I was dreaming.
Sitting in my car in the driveway of what was once my marital home to pick up the kids and I saw her through the window.  I froze at first not sure how to handle this.  The last time we said one word to each other it was….well, actually it was very civilized.  But that’s a story for my next book.  Anyway, there I was not knowing what I should do and the little voice inside me said, “Kimberly, open the window and keep your hands safely on the wheel, make sure your foot is off the gas and the car is in park”.  Any unintentional accident needed to be avoided.

She had a reasonable question concerning one of my kids .  I knew I had to answer, I took in a breath and answered as cool and calmly as I could making sure I had a nice friendly smile on my face.   I was having an exceptionally good hair day, was dressed for a family party so I think I was looking pretty darn good.  With a small but noticeable flip of my freshly styled summer blonde hair I gave her the answer she was looking for.  We continued to chat as if we were the best of friends, (not really but a stranger would not have known any different) and I’m sure her stomach was churning just as much as mine was.

While departing the driveway I had a feeling of liberation.  It was like in that short maybe three-minute conversation something in me changed.  I had survived that meeting and very glad that I had been seated safely in my car, because if I had been standing and actually felt my quivering legs it would have been a totally different experience.

What I have learned from today is that maybe I am actually healing as far as my feelings for her are concerned.  Three years ago I would not have been able to look her in the eyes and carry on a polite conversation.  Today I over came that!  I faced my fear took off the gloves that were holding on to the uncertainty, pain, and bitterness and in that moment I set them aside.  Will they always be off?  Well only time will tell I suppose.growth

I drove off with all my kids in tow with a feeling of happiness that has been a long time coming.  I felt as if I had just climbed the highest mountain, stuck my flag in the ground, held my arms up to the sky and smiled in the sunlight.

What I want to share with you through all of this is that healing can occur when you LEAST expect it.  And my friends, for me that experience was amazing!  Keep your eyes and ears open for your moment, don’t worry about when it will happen or if it will happen, like I said this one came out of nowhere for me.  Just try not to run from it.  Suppress the initial flight reaction. (I wont’ lie it was there for me but I’m no race car driver, so burning rubber out of the driveway would have been way too obvious.)  Take control of the moment when you are facing it and enjoy its reward!

Has anyone else experienced a liberating healing moment?  Please share.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

7/6/14

 

 

Overcoming

Published on by Kimberly Novak15 Comments

pause“You can’t fast forward something that hasn’t happened yet, pause press and enjoy the moment”.  I wrote that quote at the beginning of this week and have been staring at it since then.  Some days it made me feel stuck, other’s it helped me to just enjoy the day without worrying about the next.  Tonight it finds me sad and excited at the same time.

I”m sitting in a house that I’ve tried to refinance three times with no luck.  Three strikes and your out as the saying goes.  According to my divorce decree that means it must be sold.  Ironically it is a house I really never wanted to be in and I’ve put in an insane amount of blood, sweat and tears.  I”m not exaggerating either, this project has taken its toll on me.  I am at a point now where I need to finish what I have started and move on.  The house came with my divorce and it holds some pretty messed up memories for me.  Well, not my memories, my fears come to pass.

During this time, my only recourse was to make it my own.  I’ve been told several times that I have accomplished just that.  However, in the process of “making it my own” I have had to deal with the demons that have controlled my thoughts in each and every room of the house.  I cannot remember a day when I have not woken up to the thoughts of what went on here prior to my obtaining the home.  Falling asleep each and every night  with those same thoughts, it is a wonder I am not insane!   Even though some may argue that.

Getting this place ready for the market is going to take a couple more months of work and money, both of which I am running out of energy for.  This entire process has been very stressful and I really need to curtail that somehow.  I’ve tried on several occasions to just “live in the moment” but thoughts of the upcoming weight I will have with trying to sell this place always creep in.  Then there are the days when I picture it sold and I become very excited at first because I will be free of those thoughts and memories of what was here before me.  Unfortunately, those pictures into the future also include the urgency of packing and moving yet again.

Today I took the afternoon not to fast forward in to the future but to just “be”.  I sat outside on the porch which held a very significant moment of my divorce and I stayed there for nearly three hours.  I didn’t think about tomorrow, selling, work, money or moving.  I just sat.  I took in the sounds of nature, the warmth of the sun and I enjoyed that moment.sunlight

Last night a placed a rather unusual sign in the yard that says “For Sale Soon”.  That moment was defining for me, not only letting the community know that it will be on the market in a short time, but letting myself know that in time,  I will be able to release all of those thoughts, memories and fears that have been weighing on my mind for so long.  I’m sure that sign will make most chuckle and may even be confusing to some and to that I say, “oh well”.  That sign for me is a stepping stone towards healing and peace, which I desperately need at this point in time, before I embark on my next journey.  To quote yet another memorable saying, there is a light at the end of my tunnel; knowing how long that tunnel is, well that’s just not possible.

Have you ever questioned the length of your tunnel?  I welcome your comments.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

4/13/13

Related blogs/links

Overcome, Shine Bright Baby

Little Caterpillar, Today I Am With God

Growing, sirexpressive