Tag: comforting

Does PTSD after divorce exist? You better believe it!

Published on by Kimberly Novak104 Comments

ptsd1I can chalk today up to a really bad day, or a valuable lesson learned.  It’s been two years since D-day and I like to think that I’m healing at a somewhat normal pace.  I’ve been able to move on in all aspects of my life, little things that used to bother me don’t anymore, I’m good with being in the same room as my ex and I even faced forgiveness head on and chose it!  So why am I now, at this point, experiencing  post traumatic stress symptoms?

The term is most recognized for people who have gone through war, seen very traumatic events, and suffered great loss during that time.  I do not want to even try to compare what I went through against what a war veteran has experienced.  What I can do is talk about similarities.  We do not often hear of PTSD following an emotional or social event it’s usually something that was very abusive.  Well, I was very surprised when I began looking for information on this topic to find so many links to articles relating to post divorce PTSD.  

Divorce will bring about traumatic events that leave us scarred in the same way as a person who has survived combat.  In fact, most divorces share similar types of  combat, war, traumatic events and end up the same way….with a loss.  In a previous post I wrote about finding battle scars, and trying to differentiate between the two can be confusing.  When I found the scar, it was only because someone pointed it out to me.  I was surprised but dealt with it and moved on from it with a sense of accomplishment!  This time was different.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m learning to listen to my intuition, although lately, I am getting a little annoyed when she calls!  Reluctantly, I took her call,  and it was just as I thought.  Prior to that event though, is when the PTSD showed its ugly head.   When I started to wonder about the situation, the emotions I felt were something I had felt before, and they were not welcome emotions.   I immediately tried to put it off to the side and pay no attention to it, but she kept on calling! I thought maybe I was over reacting.   When I finally took a moment to think about what I was feeling and why, I was brought back to that day.  My heart raced, face went white, and hands were shaky. I was feeling every emotion, uncertainty, insecurity, and most of all fear; it was all too familiar.  

I was brought back to my trauma similarly as a war veteran who hears a loud noise.  Even though the situation was different and in no way related to my marriage or why it ended, I was going through the same feelings all over again.  It scared the crap out of me and I began to go through a list of questions.  Does this mean I’m not as far along in my healing process as I thought I was?  Will this happen again?  Does this happen to others?  How can I stop this from happening?

I don’t have all the answers just yet. What I do know and can trust is my intuition and I promised her I would continue to take her calls no matter how bad they will be.  As far as my healing process, I do think I am where I thought I was, otherwise I wouldn’t recognize what I’m feeling.  I will encounter speed bumps along the way some big some small, this one was a big one maybe the next will be a little smaller.  Will this happen again?  YES, if I am to continue to heal properly I have to go through every emotion, every failure, and every triumph.  Does this happen to others?  YES ( links to articles below), unfortunately I am not the only one but we can all learn from each other.  How can I stop this from happening?  I can’t, which is a good thing.  It means that I will continue to move forward no matter what scars, or traumatic memories I have and I will grow stronger as each one rears its ugly head.  Now is my chance to fight against each scar or traumatic stress symptom, and continue to fight until I am free from each one.  When I least expect it, that day will come.  intition

It’s almost as if the last two years have been preparing me for a new battle.  I am now at war with memories, feelings, emotions and circumstances that at some time in my life will become familiar again.  Being able to recognize, trust and battle them will be what leads me to ultimate healing and happiness.

I’m not sure if I really learned a lesson or if it’s that I learned more about what I went through and how it may affect me in the future.  What I did learn is a good thing, I’m not numb to feelings, I have not been ruined by my divorce, trusting in myself and allowing myself to feel things again is an amazing feeling!

I”d love to hear from other’s who have also suffered PTSD symptoms after divorce.  Do you have a similar experience to share?  Please respond in the comments.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

1/4/13

Related Links/ Blogs

Is your high conflict divorce causing PTSD?

I have PTSD after my divorce

It’s ok not to be ok

 

 

 

Ready to F.L.Y.

Published on by Kimberly Novak1 Comment

 

party hornsA new year is on the horizon and during this time many of us take a moment or two to look back on the past year and ask ourselves questions like “Did I set out to do what I had planned?”  ” Did I make the most of the past year?”  ” Was I true to myself?”  The list can go on and on.  I know I’ve written about looking ahead to the future and not dwelling on the past, but in this instance it is acceptable to reflect on what 2012 has meant to you.

I recently received a comment on an older blog post and when I re-read what I had written some months ago it brought tears to my eyes, just as the day I wrote it.  During this moment I decided to read a few more of the older posts to see what kind of reaction I would have.  In reading I was reminded of  what I was carrying with me at the time I wrote each individual article.  Some gave me an initial reaction of thank God I survived that!  Other’s had me holding back tears.  Then there were a few that gave me a “OMG I shared that” moment. The upside is I didn’t realize how much I have changed, grown and strengthened until I started reading.

Ironically, the post that was the hardest for me to write and still the hardest for me to read today is “All The King’s Horses”.  In that post I comment on how much I have grown, strengthened and transformed!  Yet, as I look back on it now I see myself even stronger.  Other’s that stand out are “Broken Can Be Beautiful”, and “Be The Cup”.  If you haven’t had a chance to read those I highly recommend it!

So, if I were to take a look back on 2012 what would I find?  Well, for starter’s when I began my blogging journey my children told me that blogging is the adult version of whining about it!  Interesting take on the world of blogging I suppose, however I made it a point to show them some of my first several comments from subscriber’s telling me how much my post had strengthened or meant something to them.  Score one for Mom.

In my writing world:  I am a little disappointed that I am not further along on the eBook that I had promised last August.  But like I said in an update, I cannot finish a book if I am still in the process of living through what I want to pass along to other’s.  The eBook is half done and when the time is right I will complete it. I have secured a photograph for the cover of the eBook courtesy of  Tracie Louise Photography.  I was thrilled to have the chance to submit an unpublished article to the New York Times!!  I was very close to having it published when we hit a snag, I am not an expert in my field, meaning I do not hold a degree in divorce.  That was a little upsetting, but the fact that I made it that far in the process was very rewarding!

The stress of 2012:  We are getting closer to an answer with my health issues and that is a very big relief!  That is something that has been weighing me down for a very long time.  Which reminds me, check out the post “When Life Weighs You Down”.  I survived two unexpected losses but going through them has added more energy to becoming stronger.

Emotions:  I am becoming more in tune with my intuition, which is something that is very important to me.  I spent a lot of years ignoring that little voice inside of me.  I am more at ease with what I survived.  I have learned how to channel my feelings into positive energy in the hopes of helping other’s going through a similar struggle.

Highlights:  I was very pleased this year to receive the Very Inspiring Blogger Award, courtesy of Elizabeth at Almost Spring.  During 2012 my insane obsession for butterflies really took on a new meaning!  I am surrounded by photos, coffee mugs, jewelry, wall hangings, and the best is the personalized license plate!  The moment I am most proud of is when I discovered or realized my passion for writing.  It is something I never studied and never really considered would be a part of my life.  When I sit down to write I am at peace.  Even if the topic is upsetting to me, writing puts me in a place within my spirit.  It is the one time when I am truly alone with my thoughts, emotions, and feelings.  I am grateful for this gift or talent, though I’m not sure just how good I am at it yet.  I can say that I enjoy writing very much and could make a career out of it if I was given the opportunity.  It warms my heart when I receive comments from reader’s saying how I have helped them on their journey, or just the fact that I shared something with them that they can relate to.  That is what it is all about!

Looking back now with a few obstacles set aside, I’d have to say that 2012 wasn’t all that bad.  I have made positive changes in my life butterflyflythat will carry me into the future.  I still have some work to do in some areas but hey no one is perfect.  I am excited to see what the coming year brings into my life.  I know that I am strong enough to handle any obstacle be it good or bad.  This butterfly is ready to fly into 2013.

Are you ready to fly?  Leave a comment.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

12/30/12

RELATED LINKS/BLOGS

Ready to Fly, Richard Marx

If this were your last day

Self-Reflection

It’s A New Season

 

 

 

All the kings horses…..

Published on by Kimberly Novak4 Comments

“Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put Humpty together again.”  But what would have happened if they could?

Did you know that Humpty Dumpty was a cannon that was destroyed in battle July 14th-15th in 1648.  (which happens to be one day after my birthday) The cannon fell and could not be placed back on the wall.  I know that doesn’t sound very interesting we would rather focus on the cute egg that we all know and love.  The history of the poem is not what I want to talk about anyway it is the fact that the poem is so short; I wonder what would have happened had he/it been placed back on the wall?

I often think about where I was when my divorce started.  I was pretty low but still seated upon the wall.  I was struggling with the fact that I didn’t know any other life than the one I had been living for the last 20 years and I was afraid to face learning how to adapt. When I married I had my “Happily Ever After”.  I was in my place, the fear of not knowing what the future holds has been very scary for me.   I’m assuming Humpty would have felt the same way. His place was on that wall and when he fell that was it, he was done.  Humpty wasn’t as lucky as I, his men could not put him back together again but with the love of my friends, family, peers, counselors, and my faith I have been re-assembled.

I had a casual conversation today at lunch with a friend (my mentor really) we were talking about the new relationships I have formed since my struggle first began.  I realized how lucky I am to have so many good people placed into my life right when I needed them the most.  I have strengthened relationships with family, I have made new friends and I have reunited again with some old ones as well.  At the end of our conversation I told her that I feel like I am being put back together again; and that’s when good old Humpty popped in to my mind.

I was focused on him all day and finally researched the meaning of the poem which is when I found out that he  was actually a cannon used during war.  Well you know that got my juices flowing.  I feel like I have been at war the last few years with everything I went through.  It wasn’t as ugly as some but it wasn’t a walk in the park either.  There was a moment though when I did feel like a prisoner of war and I was at my lowest.  I’m going to get brave and share that moment with you.  It was actually the day of the divorce.

The courtroom  held myself, my ex, our attorneys and the judge.  I felt very vulnerable and scared.  We had reached our agreements so I knew what the outcome would be but I still had fear coursing through my veins.  The doors closed and we listened as the judge spoke.  I cannot even remember what he said we were mostly answering yes or no questions.  After about three minutes (which felt like 30) what was happening sunk in.  I reached for my lawyers hand and held it tight.  This my friends is when I fell off the wall.  I hardly knew this person yet she knew everything about me and my marriage and I needed her to hold onto me as I fell.  My life as I knew it was about to end and I had no idea what the future would hold.  I crumbled, I cried, the judge asked if I needed a moment I signaled no, I wanted it to be over with.  Right now is the first time that I’ve recalled that moment since it happened. It brings tears to my eyes but it also shows me how much I have changed since that day.  I have re-invented myself and I have become a newer, stronger version of who I once was.  Even though I’m stronger, I will always need a hand to hold and I welcome that because I know it is through those hands, that I am being put back together.

Tonight I am standing as a victor in my war because I survived it.  I fell off that wall just as Humpty, yet here I am hoping to be able to inspire and motivate others to get back up when you fall.  Let your kings horses and kings men put YOU back together again!

So my friends I ask you, have you fallen?  and how did your support team put you back together again?

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

4/25/12