change – Page 6 – Out of the Chrysalis

Turn Signal… It’s time For A New Journey

Published on August 10, 2014 by Kimberly Novak6 Comments

195362657 (2) “Say goodbye to where you’ve been and tell your heart to beat again” are the lyrics that have been burning through me over the last few weeks. I’ve been grappling with decisions on where to plant my feet and start my new beginning and making those choices has been crazy. I’ve had to think through so much in the last few years that I just could not do this last one, even though it was possibly the most important. I couldn’t do it. Each time I thought I knew what I wanted I would change my mind again. I was going in complete circles and not ending up where I knew I needed to be, but did I really know where that was?

This is another situation where I may have looked to be strong and handling everything ok, but inside it wasn’t happening. There was a time in my marriage when I had my doubts and suspicions and I chose not to act on them and when I did, those concerns were belittled and brushed aside. The past four years I have been reliving that memory on a daily basis, it is my route home, and each time I take it I see it clear as day.

We had left the same time that fall day, the kids and I headed out and he to work. His car moved ahead of mine and got a couple of car lengths ahead but I could still see it. I looked up and saw I was being stopped by the red light and followed his car with my eyes as he ventured forward. Just as the light turned green I saw it….the turn signal, he was making a left even though he should have been going straight. I had driven that path before certain that I would see what I thought in my heart was happening, but never did. I had a choice to make and having my children in the car I chose to go on with our day and question it later.

I’ve never forgotten that moment, each day when I hit that left signal to return home I see it happening again, only this time I am the one going to that destination and I have no idea how or why I chose to end up here. For some reason since I got the news the house has sold and I”ll soon be free to make my new beginning that flashback is even more clear to me. I don’t know if that memory was holding me back from making the decision on where I want to start over but I know my heart needs to make a clean break.

Over the past two days I have finally made my choice and it is to take that leap. I can’t stay a prisoner in this town and relive all those moments over and over again. I have found a place that makes me smile, it’s pretty and shiny and happy!! A little pricey but hey, it’s well worth it. The emotions I have right now are unremarkable, just knowing that I will not have to drive that path again and see that left turn signal, instead I will be going straight on my new path, not looking back and free. dreamer

I have no idea what is in store for me but I know I will be comfortable and happy, and maybe will even be able to find out who I am. I know it’s a cliché to say you have to find yourself, but it’s true. When you have been through a loss and a trauma that turns your world inside out, it transforms you into someone you never thought you would be. I need to find Kimberly, get to know her and together she and I will embark on this new journey.

Is there a memory that is holding you back? Please share.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

8/10/14

The Gloves Are Off….Healing In The Moment

Published on July 6, 2014 by Kimberly Novak3 Comments

glvoes Ok, here goes nothing! Those were my thoughts this afternoon as she headed to my way. At first I thought I was dreaming.
Sitting in my car in the driveway of what was once my marital home to pick up the kids and I saw her through the window. I froze at first not sure how to handle this. The last time we said one word to each other it was….well, actually it was very civilized. But that’s a story for my next book. Anyway, there I was not knowing what I should do and the little voice inside me said, “Kimberly, open the window and keep your hands safely on the wheel, make sure your foot is off the gas and the car is in park”. Any unintentional accident needed to be avoided.

She had a reasonable question concerning one of my kids . I knew I had to answer, I took in a breath and answered as cool and calmly as I could making sure I had a nice friendly smile on my face. I was having an exceptionally good hair day, was dressed for a family party so I think I was looking pretty darn good. With a small but noticeable flip of my freshly styled summer blonde hair I gave her the answer she was looking for. We continued to chat as if we were the best of friends, (not really but a stranger would not have known any different) and I’m sure her stomach was churning just as much as mine was.

While departing the driveway I had a feeling of liberation. It was like in that short maybe three-minute conversation something in me changed. I had survived that meeting and very glad that I had been seated safely in my car, because if I had been standing and actually felt my quivering legs it would have been a totally different experience.

What I have learned from today is that maybe I am actually healing as far as my feelings for her are concerned. Three years ago I would not have been able to look her in the eyes and carry on a polite conversation. Today I over came that! I faced my fear took off the gloves that were holding on to the uncertainty, pain, and bitterness and in that moment I set them aside. Will they always be off? Well only time will tell I suppose. growth

I drove off with all my kids in tow with a feeling of happiness that has been a long time coming. I felt as if I had just climbed the highest mountain, stuck my flag in the ground, held my arms up to the sky and smiled in the sunlight.

What I want to share with you through all of this is that healing can occur when you LEAST expect it. And my friends, for me that experience was amazing! Keep your eyes and ears open for your moment, don’t worry about when it will happen or if it will happen, like I said this one came out of nowhere for me. Just try not to run from it. Suppress the initial flight reaction. (I wont’ lie it was there for me but I’m no race car driver, so burning rubber out of the driveway would have been way too obvious.) Take control of the moment when you are facing it and enjoy its reward!

Has anyone else experienced a liberating healing moment? Please share.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

7/6/14

The Power of Stress

Published on June 16, 2014June 16, 2014 by Kimberly Novak14 Comments

stress I’m back!!! It feels like forever since I did my last post. I’m sorry I was gone for so long but life was weighing me down a bit and I needed to focus, well I tried to focus anyway.

In a couple of past posts I mentioned my health was not that great and I’ve also talked about how stress can make you sick. Well, I’ve been finding out lately that I totally underestimated the power stress has over the human body. Unfortunately it looks like it has taken me three years, five neurologists, and roughly $25,ooo.oo to be told that my divorce has possibly made me sick.

This isn’t a topic I’m thrilled about and I’m even embarrassed to speak about it, but I feel it is extremely important that reader’s know how crucial it is to seek help even if you don’t think you are suffering from emotional stress. Anyone who has been through a trauma, be it physical, emotional, or mental is at some point going to suffer some ill effects.

I don’t want to whine or bore you with the details so I’ll just give you the short version. The last three years I’ve been dealing with constant pain, and I’ve been tested for everything including MS. The good news (I like to pick out the positive) that we found some minor things that I will need to follow with easy remedies like taking a baby aspirin every day. I’ve sampled a buffet of meds along the way and we finally found one that took the pain level from a 7 down to a 4, which is awesome! but I was still looking for a concrete answer. My final and next step was to seek out information on a chronic pain treatment program. I was pretty upset knowing that we would never find the cause of the pain but if we could somehow treat it or eliminate it that would be the answer to my prayers. So off to the consult I went.

After telling my life story AGAIN in an exam room the doc very gently scooted his stool over and said “I’m gonna tell you some things you don’t want to hear”. First, he said the amount of wine I was relaxing with every night is excessive for women, (why is it different for women than men??) and that it can make the nerve pain worse. Ok, so step one ditch the red wine. (Done!) Ok, so then he asked me if I thought he could give me an answer for the pain, I told him all I was after at this point was treatment but if he could shed some light to go right ahead. That’s when he said that he thinks its stress and anxiety induced nerve pain, or nerve damage caused from STRESS!!

All I heard in my head was that I was causing my own pain…oh I was so mad at myself, but I needed to remain calm so I didn’t cause myself any more pain, that would be counterproductive. I tried to think back to other times when I had stress in my life, to see if I remembered feeling any physical pain. I couldn’t come up with an instance but I did remember feeling tired and sick.

Think about it, people who are grieving or upset generally end up feeling sick. Some people have stress induced headaches, others stomach ulcers, some have panic attacks. When our bodies cannot handle the anxiety it doesn’t know what to do, so it comes out in other ways. For me it attacked my nerves. Not feeling well, produced stress; medical bills produced more; no answers and fear of scary disorders produced even more. I thought I had taken care of myself by seeking counseling after the divorce, and I was getting regular check ups, one of which showed high blood pressure for the first time. If I look back now that is most likely how my body first started responding to the anxiety and stress of my situation.

Ladies, and gents I ask you to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, don’t ignore signs and symptoms of emotional stress especially if you are feeling physical symptoms. It can be anything from a headache, stomach ache, feeling anxious, fatigue, etc. Google emotional stress symptoms and a long list will pop up.

I am hopeful that the chronic pain program will be beneficial to my pain. We are also looking into vitamin levels and I’ve already had to begin supplementing two of them. Between that and staying away from the red wine I am sure to be on the road to recovery, however long it may be. I’ve begun to implement ways to decompress and teaching myself how to relax. Things like yoga videos, and walking the dog on a nice day have been beneficial so far. Lighting aroma therapy candles, and relaxing with chamomile tea at night have also been helpful. There are many ideas for relaxation online, next on my list is guided imagery a few nights a week just to learn how to breathe without being stressed! relaxed frog

Ok, now that I got all that off my chest, It feels good to be back at the laptop sharing my words in the hopes to inspire or just let other’s know that you are not alone! We are all in this together! 🙂

Has stress had a long-term effect on your health? Please share.

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

6/16/14

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