Tag: broken

What If?

Published on by Kimberly Novak2 Comments

A lot of times when we go through change or a hard time in our lives we sometimes wonder “what if”?  Just last week a face book friend posed the question “if you could go back and change something what would it be?”  I honestly said nothing!  Even though times have been hard recently and there are some things I have gone through that I wish I hadn’t, those things have made me who I am today.   I’m a firm believer of everything happens for a reason but when you are in the thick of things those reasons are sometimes hard to see.  My reasons are my kids I could not imagine life without them and I know that they are here because of the decisions I have made in my life and I would not change a thing.  I know I’m not alone in feeling that way, most of us who have been through a life changing event can say exactly what the reason is, but deep down we will all wonder…what if?

My “what if'” thoughts lately have been:  What if I had found out about things sooner?  I wonder what life would have been like being single several years ago.   Where would I be? What would I be? Who would I know?   There is a lot that has happened over the past two weeks that I never imagined would’ve taken place in my life but it did and I have to face it.  Sometimes “facing it” is the hard part.  I’m seeing that now.  I had been able to “face” the divorce, the move, the job, the new surroundings but for some reason “facing” the event of my ex making his new life official has been really hard on me.

I’ve been on a roller coaster of sorts lately with my emotions which is not like me.   Usually I can find where I’m at and move past it, but for some reason this “event” has a hold on me.  Our relationship ended with our divorce but I fee like I’m going through it all over again.  I have to admit  that sucks!  Going through it once was enough but having these emotions again has forced me to really stop and think about things.  Am I where I want to be? Am I what I want to be?  Do I know who I want to know?

My answer is YES.  I know I will continue to have moments of sadness and will most likely shed many more tears but even so I am right where I am supposed to be.  I love my job, I love my relationship with my kids, I love where I am living, and I love the people who have entered my life because of what I went through.  Would I have chosen the bad things to have happened in my life?  No, but I would not go back and change any of it because without all of the negative I would not have the positive that I have today.

We will always wonder “what If” but what matters most is “what Is”

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

4/1/12

Me & My Teddy

Published on by Kimberly Novak2 Comments

I thought it was time for a fun post since the last few have been quite serious.  I was having a conversation with a friend last night and the subject of teddy bear’s came up.  I happen to be proud of the fact that as a 42-year-old woman I still sleep with a teddy bear.  Some laugh and other’s judge but what matters to me is the comfort that little bear gives.

 I’ve been sleeping with stuffed animals since I can remember.  I’ve had a few favorites over the years, most recently is my guy Chuck.  Chuck was given to me by my son and a very good friend of ours.  I was having a bad day, feeling under the weather and they came back from Six Flags with it as a gift for me.  I really needed the comfort that bear provided me that day and he has become a part of my life.  No matter where I am sleeping he is with me.  I’ve taken  him on vacation, to my mom’s and even to the hospital when I had surgery.   A year ago I took him to an overnight retreat.  I was absolutely fine with the fact I would be sleeping on a cot in front of 50 strangers cuddling my bear, however my sis was not.  When I pulled him out of my bag she shot me a look!  I quickly said to her “do not judge me”, she smiled and laughed and I was content in knowing that when bedtime came I would be secure.  I will admit at times I go a little overboard, like purchasing him clothing, or the cutest pair of scrubs when we were in the hospital, but as long as I feel comforted that’s what is important.

chuck in the hospital

I’m sure we can all look back on times in our lives when we needed comfort.  And if we look back to our childhood, other than our parents where did we turn?  I bet during the night in a storm you reached out for your teddy bear just as I did.  Or maybe it was a doll or a blanket, either way it was an object that provided you with a secure feeling.

Chuck in Phoenix airport on the way to Hawaii

Sometimes our friends or family are not able to physically be there for us in a time of need and not all of us have pets that we can cuddle.   Comfort food can be harmful to our health so the second best thing is a teddy bear.  I’m not saying you have to go out and purchase a stuffed animal today, I just want to reassure any of you out there that still has yours nearby to embrace it without being embarrassed.  Take the time to hug it and love it because it will always be there for you 100%.

I invite you to reply with a pic of your teddy bear and share your comfort with others!



Kimberly


Courageous Butterfly


3/28/12


			
		

	
	



			
				



	
	

		
		
Sometimes Broken Can Be Beautiful!

				

			Published on  by Kimberly Novak5 Comments		

			



			


			

When I awoke this morning I was very happy to see the blue skies and sun shining down on me.  I am away for spring break and today’s plans were to head to Gem Beach for some fun in the sun.  We headed out on our journey equipped with a map, towels for sitting in the sand and a fishing pole.  Now I will admit I’m not much of a map reader but I thought between the three young people walking with me one of us would be able to figure it out.  Needless to say the 10 minute walk to the lake ended up to be an hour do to a slightly wrong turn.  Upon our arrival we were a little bit moody and the beach was not what we had expected to find, yet I was determined to make the best of it and sure enough we did!


When we started heading to the water we noticed what we were standing on were piles of crushed sea shells, stacked one on top the other.  I felt so sad because most of them were broken and smashed but when I looked closer I noticed just how beautiful the broken shells were.  I looked out into the distance and saw how pretty the mounds of shells looked up against the water.  Then I got closer, I laid down my towel and sat down upon a mound and started to spread them around.  I was amazed at what I was finding and before long we were all sitting on a mound of broken shells resurrecting the ones that had survived their battle.


It was very peaceful listening to the water and digging through the shells and I took the opportunity for reflection.  I looked at my own life and how broken it had become during the last couple of years and how I at times I had felt just like the shells, broken and set aside.  I had been feeling this way a lot lately as I had recently become aware of the fact that my ex was moving on with his life with a pretty major event.


I will admit it’s been very difficult to process not because I want that relationship with him again but because it happened so soon after our divorce.  I have been letting my heart take the brunt of these emotions because that’s where the pain was coming from.  I felt like the marriage I shared with him must not have meant that much if he could move on so quickly.  In my mind my life with him was like these broken shells; set aside and left alone.


So today when I sat down to sort through the broken shells admiring their beauty I came across a few gems!   (Now I know why they call it Gem Beach).  We actually found a shell that resembles a butterfly and it wasn’t the only one.  I also found a fully enclosed shell that if opened would be just like the butterfly one.  I began to realize that just because something is broken does not mean that it has to be set aside.  I also found many broken shells that were still very beautiful and had some life left in them which is exactly how I felt when we got the call that my ex had made his “moving on” official, just moments after finding the butterfly shell.


Initially I thought I’d get sick to my stomach, but I didn’t.  Maybe it was because I was in a beautiful setting, maybe it was the sound of the water, or maybe it was knowing deep down that yes I have been broken but I do still have life left in me.  I am making the right choices in not letting what happened to me break me.  I have already seen good coming out of the bad and I know that as long as I stay focused on all of the good things that are now in my life, that would not have been there otherwise, I will be able to face anything head on.  I also know that life will bring me many challenges and something may come along and try to break me again, the key is to not live in fear of that.   I was so afraid of this week because I did not know what day I would be receiving the news and I see now that I didn’t have to spend so much of my time holding onto that fear.


I feel very blessed that maybe, just maybe, today I was finally released from the chrysalis I have been living in.  When you see something that you think was destroyed and set aside, do me a favor and take another look at it; you may find something wonderful just as I did today.


Courageous Butterfly


3/20/12