Inner Doubt: a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction.
“some doubt has been cast upon the authenticity of this account”
uncertainty, unsureness, indecision, hesitation, dubiousness, suspicion, confusion;
It is very important to me that I start off 2015 in a good and positive way; well the respiratory bug bit me last week which forced me to cancel my appointment back at the counselor; not starting off the way I had planned but that never happens anyway. I decided that I would positively embrace that nasty virus and just enjoy being able to start off 2015 resting, not many of us get that chance. Unfortunately for me I have not yet learned how to rest my mind along with my body. I have this horrible disease I like to refer to as arguing with my thoughts. I was sure that being 4 years post-divorce I would be able to win any argument that I was having with my inner self but lately there are so many outside factors that I just can’t seem to get a handle on it.
Being at home sick gave me some time to look deeper into some of my relationships, which unfortunately brought on feelings of inner doubt.
Looking at the definition of doubt and seeing the words unsureness; confusion; indecision; hesitation; and uncertainty really hit home for me because these words are what I am carrying with me and have been for pretty much all of these last four years. They are the first things on my mind when I awake and the last when I go to sleep. They are consuming my days, my decisions (when I can make one), and my relationships. The phrase “my head is spinning” is an understatement for me.
In my mind if I am struggling with a decision then I am most likely headed for making the wrong one. I would assume that a correct decision would be one that I make solely based on what is truly in my heart, mind and soul….my issue is I have absolutely no idea what is in those three places. When I ask myself why that is what comes to mind is what I think I want, what other’s want for me, what I think I deserve, and what should be best for me.
Take for instance going back to school, sounds like a great plan and most are encouraging me to go, but I grapple with things like the $20,000 in debt after the four years. Who will want to hire someone inexperienced at that level of administration? Will I earn enough to take care of myself or will getting into that debt just cause more problems for me?
Looking back, the time’s I remember actually knowing what was in my heart, mind and soul were my wedding day, and the birth of my children. It wasn’t the time when I made the decision to get married or knowing that I wanted to start a family, the clarity came as I was encountering those life events.
So maybe I do not have clarity right now because I am not yet where I am supposed to be on my life journey. There must still be some stones left to be unturned; the question is am I ready to seek them and turn them? Have you turned your stones? Please share.