“As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

ISAIAH 55:10-11

In this verse from Isaiah, the “rain” and the “dew” are the grace of God, preparing the heart; the seed is God’s truth found in the written word; and you and I are the “Sower,” the servant of our Lord.  It does not get better in the season I find myself in than this passage.  

Today, I celebrate the five-month mark of my traumatic brain injury.  I still get chills when I say those four words. Every day during the two weeks I spent in the ICU, I was asked to identify myself by name and birthdate and then tell them why I was in the hospital.  I knew at the time they were monitoring my cognitive abilities, but it was emotionally painful repeating “brain bleed” daily. 

Now, five months later, I have graduated, calling it a TBI or traumatic brain injury. Somehow, it doesn’t sound as scary.  I have made significant progress in this short time. Today, I began my first day off of a couple of medications and received word that my recent scans do not show signs of a brain aneurysm.  God is good! 

A few weeks ago, I gifted myself a short retreat focused on art and spirituality.  Ironically, it was held in the place where my injury occurred. I’ve read accounts from some who cannot return to the place where their TBI took place. I, however, was grateful that God rescued me in that place and was eager to return, knowing God would hold me close.

I had hoped that by being in my “happy place,” I could understand what happened and where I am now.  I succeeded to some extent, but there is a part of me that wonders where I would be if the TBI had not occurred and where God is taking me now. There are deficits, such as mental focus, and for some reason, I struggle with decision-making. Changing my mind has become a habit of late.  In all of the medical mess, they have found a very rare artery disease for which there is no cure. God’s light is the only thing that will help me navigate the specifics of what is yet to come and the only way I can comfortably enter.

I can find little blessings woven in between each diagnosis. If the brain event had not taken place, they would not know that I have so much going on in my arteries.  Now, I know my limitations and how to protect myself best. It will take patience and discernment, but I know I will get to the “something better” God is calling me toward. I’d imagine the caterpillar feels the same way once it realizes what God has in store.  

I miss my writing, but I am happy to say that I completed my first writing assignment just this week. Focusing on sharing God’s light and love through the written word felt so good. The post you are reading now will become my second attempt at getting words on the page. Forgive me if I ramble or go in circles. It’s just God rewiring my brain.

I have days when it feels like I’m not who I once was in my headspace. God’s sense of humor shines through when I reflect on my obsession with the caterpillar’s transformation into a butterfly. Days creep in when I want to go back to before January 18, 2024, and live in that brain again. Those are the moments when I turn to Jesus and prepare for something better. 

Only God knows what my future holds. There are a few things I do know.  God saved me in my place of peace. The Word of God will achieve its purpose. God’s ways are above mine. God has a purpose for me to accomplish before I unite with Him in His Heavenly Kingdom. God is not done with me yet.

Will there be difficulties ahead? You bet! I have always been able to find God in all things. My job now is to find God’s peace in all things. Finding a “comfortable” place in the medical mess can only be good. I will enjoy the gifts and promptings of the Holy Spirit as my guide in the next several months and celebrate every month as a milestone and a new breath of life.

Focusing so much on monthly milestones and celebrating being saved in my place of peace may seem silly. However, I consider them a blessing more significant than some might imagine. Every time I walk through the hallowed walls, where the prayers are embedded, I will remember God’s saving Grace. In the moments I spend on the hallowed grounds, I will praise God for restoration and new beginnings, always looking forward to something better.