Tag: moving forward

Something Better

Published on by Kimberly Novak8 Comments

“As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

ISAIAH 55:10-11

In this verse from Isaiah, the “rain” and the “dew” are the grace of God, preparing the heart; the seed is God’s truth found in the written word; and you and I are the “Sower,” the servant of our Lord.  It does not get better in the season I find myself in than this passage.  

Today, I celebrate the five-month mark of my traumatic brain injury.  I still get chills when I say those four words. Every day during the two weeks I spent in the ICU, I was asked to identify myself by name and birthdate and then tell them why I was in the hospital.  I knew at the time they were monitoring my cognitive abilities, but it was emotionally painful repeating “brain bleed” daily. 

Now, five months later, I have graduated, calling it a TBI or traumatic brain injury. Somehow, it doesn’t sound as scary.  I have made significant progress in this short time. Today, I began my first day off of a couple of medications and received word that my recent scans do not show signs of a brain aneurysm.  God is good! 

A few weeks ago, I gifted myself a short retreat focused on art and spirituality.  Ironically, it was held in the place where my injury occurred. I’ve read accounts from some who cannot return to the place where their TBI took place. I, however, was grateful that God rescued me in that place and was eager to return, knowing God would hold me close.

“When I let go of inhibitions and allow God’s hands upon mine, creativity becomes a prayer. Every brushstroke becomes a song of the heart, praising the One who gave me life.” Something Better by Kimberly Novak

I had hoped that by being in my “happy place,” I could understand what happened and where I am now.  I succeeded to some extent, but there is a part of me that wonders where I would be if the TBI had not occurred and where God is taking me now. There are deficits, such as mental focus, and for some reason, I struggle with decision-making. Changing my mind has become a habit of late.  In all of the medical mess, they have found a very rare artery disease for which there is no cure. God’s light is the only thing that will help me navigate the specifics of what is yet to come and the only way I can comfortably enter.

I can find little blessings woven in between each diagnosis. If the brain event had not taken place, they would not know that I have so much going on in my arteries.  Now, I know my limitations and how to protect myself best. It will take patience and discernment, but I know I will get to the “something better” God is calling me toward. I’d imagine the caterpillar feels the same way once it realizes what God has in store.  

I miss my writing, but I am happy to say that I completed my first writing assignment just this week. Focusing on sharing God’s light and love through the written word felt so good. The post you are reading now will become my second attempt at getting words on the page. Forgive me if I ramble or go in circles. It’s just God rewiring my brain.

I have days when it feels like I’m not who I once was in my headspace. God’s sense of humor shines through when I reflect on my obsession with the caterpillar’s transformation into a butterfly. Days creep in when I want to go back to before January 18, 2024, and live in that brain again. Those are the moments when I turn to Jesus and prepare for something better. 

Only God knows what my future holds. There are a few things I do know.  God saved me in my place of peace. The Word of God will achieve its purpose. God’s ways are above mine. God has a purpose for me to accomplish before I unite with Him in His Heavenly Kingdom. God is not done with me yet.

“It will not return to me empty but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

Isaiah 55:11

Will there be difficulties ahead? You bet! I have always been able to find God in all things. My job now is to find God’s peace in all things. Finding a “comfortable” place in the medical mess can only be good. I will enjoy the gifts and promptings of the Holy Spirit as my guide in the next several months and celebrate every month as a milestone and a new breath of life.

Focusing so much on monthly milestones and celebrating being saved in my place of peace may seem silly. However, I consider them a blessing more significant than some might imagine. Every time I walk through the hallowed walls, where the prayers are embedded, I will remember God’s saving Grace. In the moments I spend on the hallowed grounds, I will praise God for restoration and new beginnings, always looking forward to something better.

Praying Through Circular Thinking

Published on by Kimberly NovakLeave a comment

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“Well, I thought,” the three most dangerous words ever to enter my thinking pattern. Any word in the dictionary could follow that phrase, and I would still end up in the same place, making assumptions without all the facts.

One of the worst possible outcomes of any situation is assumed. It holds no merit because it never existed.  Oh, how my imagination loves to cook up the most unpleasant in even the best situations! To make myself feel better, I blame it on the creativity of the writer within me. In reality, it is the dangerous swirl of circular thinking that takes me down a dark winding road.

I do admit, on many occasions, this has had a negative effect not only on my mind but my overall well-being. A hazardous place to be is in a worrying state of mind, especially when one makes a habit of focusing on the same thought consistently.

Let’s make it clear that circular thinking does not include times when something needs to be mulled over or instances which require much thought before a decision is made. I am referring to those cycles when the thought patterns repeatedly make assumptions about a resulting outcome. “Maybe if I did this, then that would happen,” or “He hasn’t responded to my email, I’m sure I’ve made him angry,” and phrases of this nature.

I’m not a professional, but I believe many factors induce this thinking pattern. Societal influences, childhood memories, or having a nervous personality, to name a few. In my younger days, in high school, I developed an undeniable fear of public speaking. This was ironic because I had been part of a choir before high school. There were even times when I sang a solo. Yet, something triggered a genuine fear, a circular thinking pattern, when speaking before my peers.

The fear was so intense that I would take a zero on an assignment, not prepare, and skip the class. I had repeated visions, all made up in my mind, that whatever I was supposed to do would be a failure.  Another aspect of circular thinking is going back over something again and again. Now, it’s too late to fix my state of mind at 16. However, at my current age, I can face fear and flourish in it.

How I reacted as a young girl is a part of who I am today, and I would not change any of it. Is the fear still there? Absolutely! However, I am old enough to see it, face it and grow because of it. Over the last several years since becoming a spiritual director, I have had to laugh at where God has taken me.  Part of my ministry has evolved in speaking engagements, putting myself on video saying prayers, and having a passion for spiritual writing.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

So, what do you do when God places your biggest fear repeatedly on your path? You pray through it and conquer it. It is through these events that I have learned to remove fear from my mindset, all with my mighty God!  I’m not perfect; after all, it was in the act of circular thinking that this post originated.

Thoughts of this nature are going to happen. It’s in knowing how to shut them down where faith and growth play a part. The only circular thinking I allow myself to remain is knowing that I am in God, and God is in me! That phrase is one I will never tire of repeating!  God is in me, and I am in God!

God…As Friend

Published on by Kimberly NovakLeave a comment

“Someone with a bible which is falling apart, lives a life which is not.” A direct quote from a recent sermon of which I had the privilege to listen.

God’s Word can come to us in many ways. As American’s, we are blessed to freely hold in our possession God’s book of wisdom, truth and light.  Personally, I have become somewhat of a bible hoarder!  A sentimental fool of sorts, I have a new passion for leafing through bibles at antique shops. I look for hand written notes in the margin, while inhaling the scent of the aged paper. I often wonder and think about the number of blessed tears that have graced its pages. In these moments, all of these subtleties create an encounter with God.

  • Italian New Testament belonging to my grandfather, Joseph Abate

Perhaps, the one who held the bible before had only opened it once or twice. On the other hand, it could be the opposite. Sometimes the pages are too fragile to turn and other times they are crisp and clean. Those are the times when I wonder, and ask myself, “What does God want my bible to look like?”   

“I can do all things though Christ who strengthens me,” (Philippians 4:13) a verse echoing in my heart today and bringing about thoughts of friendship.  I am going to date myself here, but when I think of God as my friend, images come to mind of somewhat historical friendships. Take for instance, Tom and Jerry; Laverne and Shirley; Laura Wilder and her lovely dog Bandit. 

These relationships portray the best of friendships however, not always glamourous or warm and fuzzy. Each also contained many instances of miscommunication, sadness, and periods of silence.  Yet, at the end of every episode, tensions were released, fences mended and their love for one another outweighed any of the turmoil.

So, now you are wondering what does all of this have to do with God and the bible, right?  Today I invite you to begin a new friendship with God. Choose one of your favorite historical friendships as a model and re-invent how you spend each day, and every moment with God. 

I invite you to begin today and ware down that bible of yours. Dust it off, pray in it.  Let your tears stain the pages. Allow your heart to feel God’s word in and through you. Don’t be afraid to write your thoughts in the margins; the space is there for a reason!

Hand Written note on Psalm 103. Written in Italian, feel free to comment if you know what it says!

Reflection moment: What does God want my bible to look like? What does my friendship with God look like? How can I strengthen my walk with God?

Are you praying with a worn out bible or have a family heirloom? I would love to hear your comments in the section below.

Many Blessings,

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly