Turning Stones

Inner Doubt: a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction.
“some doubt has been cast upon the authenticity of this account”
uncertainty, unsureness, indecision, hesitation, dubiousness, suspicion, confusion;

It is very important to me that I start off 2015 in a good and positive way; well the respiratory bug bit me last week which forced me to cancel my appointment back at the counselor; not starting off the way I had planned but that never happens anyway. I decided that I would positively embrace that nasty virus and just enjoy being able to start off 2015 resting, not many of us get that chance. Unfortunately for me I have not yet learned how to rest my mind along with my body. I have this horrible disease I like to refer to as arguing with my thoughts. I was sure that being 4 years post-divorce I would be able to win any argument that I was having with my inner self but lately there are so many outside factors that I just can’t seem to get a handle on it.
Being at home sick gave me some time to look deeper into some of my relationships, which unfortunately brought on feelings of inner doubt.

Looking at the definition of doubt and seeing the words unsureness; confusion; indecision; hesitation; and uncertainty really hit home for me because these words are what I am carrying with me and have been for pretty much all of these last four years. They are the first things on my mind when I awake and the last when I go to sleep. They are consuming my days, my decisions (when I can make one), and my relationships. The phrase “my head is spinning” is an understatement for me.

In my mind if I am struggling with a decision then I am most likely headed for making the wrong one. I would assume that a correct decision would be one that I make solely based on what is truly in my heart, mind and soul….my issue is I have absolutely no idea what is in those three places. When I ask myself why that is what comes to mind is what I think I want, what other’s want for me, what I think I deserve, and what should be best for me.

Take for instance going back to school, sounds like a great plan and most are encouraging me to go, but I grapple with things like the $20,000 in debt after the four years. Who will want to hire someone inexperienced at that level of administration? Will I earn enough to take care of myself or will getting into that debt just cause more problems for me?
Looking back, the time’s I remember actually knowing what was in my heart, mind and soul were my wedding day, and the birth of my children. It wasn’t the time when I made the decision to get married or knowing that I wanted to start a family, the clarity came as I was encountering those life events.

So maybe I do not have clarity right now because I am not yet where I am supposed to be on my life journey. There must still be some stones left to be unturned; the question is am I ready to seek them and turn them? Have you turned your stones? Please share.

Courageous Butterfly


8 thoughts on “Turning Stones

  1. Wow Kimberley – this could have been written by me – except the $20,000 debt for education.
    My divorce will only be 3 years this year but will be 4 years the end of Feb. when he admitted the infidelity and asked for divorce. Perhaps it is the time for both of us.
    What I can share is my apparent inability to form any attachments to men. I have been on numerous “dates” usually coffee or a walk. Even as many as 3 dates with the same men but can’t seem to feel any connection that I believe could lead to something more intimate. Not sure why – but beginning to think it has something to do with trust and maybe feeling like I don’t ever again want to be so close to someone who could hurt me so badly.
    That is my biggest decision that I am struggling with. Most of my other decisions seem to come relatively easy. Did take me a little while this year to decide that I would like to volunteer at something 2 days a week 4-6hrs those 2 days. Will be starting training next week and finishing up the following week. Training will last 7 1/2 hrs 3 days a week for 2 weeks. I am fairly certain they will attempt to get me to volunteer more than 2 days a week but I have decided that is ALL I will do. I am getting much better at saying NO! Something I have struggled with for years. I no longer feel the need to have a reason why – other than I don’t want to do something.
    Hope you feel better soon!!
    My respiratory thing lasted a little more than a month.


  2. I do not think that it is anything unusual for people in longer marriages to takes many years to make a new life. It is falsely assumed that we should be ‘over’ it within a year.
    I think it is fantastic that you are contemplating education. It will give you a new purpose in life. That is often what is missing after the dissolution of a marriage … a purpose … a reason for getting up in the morning with hope in your heart.
    Only you can determine whether you can handle the debt situation but I say, if you can, go for it.


    1. Phyllis and Elizabeth you both make very excellent points and have shed just a little light on some things I’ve been pondering about myself lately.

      Phyllis you mentioned learning how to tell people “No” I have struggled with that my ENTIRE life. In fact it came out in counseling today that, Yes I am in fact a people-pleaser. In all aspects of my life, my friends, family, job and especially my relationships. My marriage was about making him happy and now I have no idea who I am. I owe it to myself to go into discovery mode and only doing what I want to do.

      Now Elizabeth you touched on a purpose in life, “a reason for getting up in the morning with hope in your heart”. First of all that statement is beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. But more importantly it has helped me to realize that since my divorce I have been trying to fill that purpose with a person, just as I did in my marriage. My purpose then was wife, mother, cook, cleaner, etc. The last few years I haven been searching for the right person to fill that purpose and that has been wrong, it is not a spot in my life that a person can fill. It has to be filled with me, by me and for me.

      Thank you both so much it was very refreshing to come out of my session and read both of of your comments. Your timing was impeccable and it was very helpful for me to really contemplate on my session. God has a way of making things clear sometimes and many times he uses those in our lives to do just that. Today he used both of you to help me rationalize some thoughts and I appreciate it very much.

      Many Blessings!


  3. Kimberly, We could be twins. I too have always been a people pleaser. It has been really hard to start saying no – but I am getting better at it. Still have pangs of guilt for at least a few hours – sometimes a few days – but I realize after a while how much better it was for me to say no than to do something and then regret doing it.
    BTW – I am now regretting telling my Son I would take care of his dogs for a week while he went on vacation. Making things very difficult here at my house with my cat. Already sent him a text that I won’t do it again until my cat is gone. Too much stress on the cat and me.
    I sort of wanted to say no in the beginning but relented because I had let my Daughter and her dogs stay here for a week when they moved and refinished their floors. Thing is – it was warm then and the cat could go outside. Not the case now so he is relegated to the basement which he is not liking at all.
    Just remember – it’s OK to say no and expect you will have pangs of guilt. In the end – those pangs will be better than doing something you will regret or be angry about.


    1. Phyllis, you are correct we ARE twins! LOL I was filling my sister in on my session today and we actually discussed the feelings of guilt that comes with letting those down whom we would normally bend over backwards for. But you are on the mark when you refer to the fact that those little pangs of guilt are nothing compared to feelings of regret.

      Thanks again for your comments!



  4. Kimberly,
    When I read today’s devotion in The Upper Room I immediately thought of you and myself. It seemed so apropos to what we are dealing with that I thought I would share it with you. Hope you find it as helpful as I did.

    Stand firm . . . and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

    – Galatians 5:1 (NIV)
    Today’s Devotional

    For years, whenever my dog and I went walking through our woods, we had to maneuver around a trampoline. Finally, with the kids grown, my husband and I decided we could get rid of it. I relished the thought of not having to encounter it on our walks. I expected the dog would be just as happy since his leash regularly got tangled in the trampoline legs. Surprisingly, on our first walk after the trampoline was down, instead of traipsing through the new wide-open space, he clung tightly to the old path and I followed. The old obstruction was gone, but we acted as if it were still there.

    This experience reminded me of what can happen when we become believers. When we accept Christ, we are made new and sin has no power over us. So I wondered: Why do I still struggle with fear? I realized that the same force that kept the family dog and me on the worn path keeps me struggling: familiarity. The dog and I continued to choose the comfortable and safe path, one that didn’t require much discernment. In a similar way, even after we receive Christ, we may plod along the path of old thought patterns — but we do have a new power over them. We can consciously choose to dismiss old thought patterns that don’t produce fruit and walk the path of freedom.

    Debbie Middlebrook (Georgia, USA)

    Prayer: Heavenly Father, help us to examine each thought so that all our thoughts may glorify you. Amen.


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