“Say goodbye to where you’ve been and tell your heart to beat again” are the lyrics that have been burning through me over the last few weeks. I’ve been grappling with decisions on where to plant my feet and start my new beginning and making those choices has been crazy. I’ve had to think through so much in the last few years that I just could not do this last one, even though it was possibly the most important. I couldn’t do it. Each time I thought I knew what I wanted I would change my mind again. I was going in complete circles and not ending up where I knew I needed to be, but did I really know where that was?
This is another situation where I may have looked to be strong and handling everything ok, but inside it wasn’t happening. There was a time in my marriage when I had my doubts and suspicions and I chose not to act on them and when I did, those concerns were belittled and brushed aside. The past four years I have been reliving that memory on a daily basis, it is my route home, and each time I take it I see it clear as day.
We had left the same time that fall day, the kids and I headed out and he to work. His car moved ahead of mine and got a couple of car lengths ahead but I could still see it. I looked up and saw I was being stopped by the red light and followed his car with my eyes as he ventured forward. Just as the light turned green I saw it….the turn signal, he was making a left even though he should have been going straight. I had driven that path before certain that I would see what I thought in my heart was happening, but never did. I had a choice to make and having my children in the car I chose to go on with our day and question it later.
I’ve never forgotten that moment, each day when I hit that left signal to return home I see it happening again, only this time I am the one going to that destination and I have no idea how or why I chose to end up here. For some reason since I got the news the house has sold and I”ll soon be free to make my new beginning that flashback is even more clear to me. I don’t know if that memory was holding me back from making the decision on where I want to start over but I know my heart needs to make a clean break.
Over the past two days I have finally made my choice and it is to take that leap. I can’t stay a prisoner in this town and relive all those moments over and over again. I have found a place that makes me smile, it’s pretty and shiny and happy!! A little pricey but hey, it’s well worth it. The emotions I have right now are unremarkable, just knowing that I will not have to drive that path again and see that left turn signal, instead I will be going straight on my new path, not looking back and free.
I have no idea what is in store for me but I know I will be comfortable and happy, and maybe will even be able to find out who I am. I know it’s a cliché to say you have to find yourself, but it’s true. When you have been through a loss and a trauma that turns your world inside out, it transforms you into someone you never thought you would be. I need to find Kimberly, get to know her and together she and I will embark on this new journey.
Is there a memory that is holding you back? Please share.