“You can’t fast forward something that hasn’t happened yet, pause press and enjoy the moment”. I wrote that quote at the beginning of this week and have been staring at it since then. Some days it made me feel stuck, other’s it helped me to just enjoy the day without worrying about the next. Tonight it finds me sad and excited at the same time.
I”m sitting in a house that I’ve tried to refinance three times with no luck. Three strikes and your out as the saying goes. According to my divorce decree that means it must be sold. Ironically it is a house I really never wanted to be in and I’ve put in an insane amount of blood, sweat and tears. I”m not exaggerating either, this project has taken its toll on me. I am at a point now where I need to finish what I have started and move on. The house came with my divorce and it holds some pretty messed up memories for me. Well, not my memories, my fears come to pass.
During this time, my only recourse was to make it my own. I’ve been told several times that I have accomplished just that. However, in the process of “making it my own” I have had to deal with the demons that have controlled my thoughts in each and every room of the house. I cannot remember a day when I have not woken up to the thoughts of what went on here prior to my obtaining the home. Falling asleep each and every night with those same thoughts, it is a wonder I am not insane! Even though some may argue that.
Getting this place ready for the market is going to take a couple more months of work and money, both of which I am running out of energy for. This entire process has been very stressful and I really need to curtail that somehow. I’ve tried on several occasions to just “live in the moment” but thoughts of the upcoming weight I will have with trying to sell this place always creep in. Then there are the days when I picture it sold and I become very excited at first because I will be free of those thoughts and memories of what was here before me. Unfortunately, those pictures into the future also include the urgency of packing and moving yet again.
Today I took the afternoon not to fast forward in to the future but to just “be”. I sat outside on the porch which held a very significant moment of my divorce and I stayed there for nearly three hours. I didn’t think about tomorrow, selling, work, money or moving. I just sat. I took in the sounds of nature, the warmth of the sun and I enjoyed that moment.
Last night a placed a rather unusual sign in the yard that says “For Sale Soon”. That moment was defining for me, not only letting the community know that it will be on the market in a short time, but letting myself know that in time, I will be able to release all of those thoughts, memories and fears that have been weighing on my mind for so long. I’m sure that sign will make most chuckle and may even be confusing to some and to that I say, “oh well”. That sign for me is a stepping stone towards healing and peace, which I desperately need at this point in time, before I embark on my next journey. To quote yet another memorable saying, there is a light at the end of my tunnel; knowing how long that tunnel is, well that’s just not possible.
Have you ever questioned the length of your tunnel? I welcome your comments.
Kimberly
Courageous Butterfly
4/13/13
Related blogs/links
Little Caterpillar, Today I Am With God
Out of the Chrysalis 
Currently have my house on the market…it is a trying time. Will feel nice to out from under it. I will send good sale vibes your way! 🙂
LikeLike
Thank you!!! and I’ll send them your way as well. May our good vibes meet and generate sales! 🙂
LikeLike
What a courageous decision to do what you are doing. Also courageous to share these painful times with the public.. I can see that you have an inner strength (although I am sure at times you have a difficult time seeing it for yourself).
Believe and move forward one baby step at a time. My beloved always tells me not to focus on the landscape of the forest when I am lost but rather to focus on getting past one tree at a time.
Easter
LikeLike
Your beloved is very smart! and I am thankful for the reminder. I like to joke that my steps are harder than other’s, they take longer due to the fact that I am only 4ft 11″, when in reality I long to have the step of a giant. To get past those trees just a bit quicker.
LikeLike
Ahhh but, when you are taller (as I am at 5’9″), you hit your head on the branches more often and seem to just bump into things more often, so it slows you down in a different way.
The point being; we all have our forest and our trees, and no matter who we are, it is daunting to look at, but not so intimidating when focusing on just getting past that one little tree. 🙂
LikeLike
You and I think alike, I am so glad I found your poem and your blog! Thank you for the inspiring messages.
LikeLike
It is my pleasure and I love finding like-minded writers and those who share their soul through writing.
Bless you lots and keep going.. the wings are coming 🙂
LikeLike
Another wonderful post!
I was lucky not to have the burden of the home I designed and supervised the building of to rid myself of after my divorce.
My ex and his new love moved to the area and he decided to buy me out of the house. At first I was a little leery that it would especially bother me that she was living with him in my home. But by the time I moved – it had become a house – no longer a home.
My new home is indeed my home!
I don’t have to go from room to room thinking of the past – I can start anew.
While I still have a number of items from our marriage – most of my furniture is family heirlooms. I did keep the dinning room table and chairs – as I could not stand the thought of him and his new partner spending holidays sitting around the table I had found – my parents had brought to our home and I had refinished. There were too many memories of family holiday dinners at that table. I wanted to sell it – but he wanted to keep it. When he said he wanted to keep it I said NO! I am keeping it since you do not want to sell it. I cannot stand the thought of you sitting around it with another family. He was taken aback but did not fight me on it. I left most of the other furniture items that we had purchased together for him – along with many gifts he had given me and anniversary gifts.
I believe in the long run this will be a defining moment for you. A true new beginning! It may not seem like it at the present time but you may look back on it as a blessing!
Good vibes for a quick sale – and for ease in letting go and moving forward.
Blessings,
Phyllis
LikeLike
Thanks for your comment Phyllis. I’m glad you mentioned the furniture. I have decided when I do sell and move that I will be selling or donating any furniture that was from my marriage. I really feel like I need a clean slate. Plus, most of it will be too large for a conod or an apartment. Most likely that is where I will land next. The house I am in now was not my marital home, it was property I obtained in the divorce ( a rental, she occupied). I cannot even imagine living in our marital home right now I think in some ways that may have been worse for me.
In any case I can’t go back and change my decision to obtain this property, now my job is to look ahead and get ready for my new future.
Hugs,
Kimberly
LikeLike
It is interesting your perspective of the house / home. I am in the family home and it brings back both happy and painful memories. I do think that my final peace will come when I move which will be in about two years time. I hope that your house does indeed sell and you can move on to your own home and find peace.
LikeLike
Thanks for that comment. Since this was not my marital home I have no happy memories to draw from. I only have the painful circumstance which this house was the precursor for.
LikeLike
Oh, I see now. The post said that the house came with the divorce and so I misunderstood. That does make a difference. All the best
LikeLike
Thanks, sometimes when I’m trying to be vauge to protect my family, it is hard to explain things in full detail. I always try to describe it as best I can but in a gentle manner. Thank you again for your kind comments.
🙂 Kimberly
LikeLike
I’m facing the same problem. In my case, I am self employed, and the money I spent fighting for time with the children exhausted my accounts and devastated my business. To refinance now, I have to pay off a back tax debt, and then prove income to a lender. Even though I’ve been paying the mortgage alone for three years. I no longer feel pain at it having once been the marital home, it is the children’s home. And I am trying to keep it for them. That, and I am comfortable here, and don’t want to lose anymore to “her”. It is possible I can pull it all off, but the stress eats me alive. I’m sorry that you have to put your home up for sale. Hopefully, it will sell at a good price and you can find a new home that brings you comfort and security.
LikeLike
Thank you for your comment, it definitely is a stressful situation. I’m hoping for you that you are able to get it all on track and that you can manage your stress. Take deep breaths….breathe….and enjoy your kiddo’s!
Blessings,
Kimberly
LikeLike