What happens when you are at war with your feelings, emotions and inner self? Someone has to win and lately I feel like I am not in the driver’s seat when it comes to my feelings. As a survivor of a huge loss, I know there will be periods of up and down and even some all around days, but this time I am growing angry because I have found myself in one of those moments.
I know I can’t speed my healing along, however there are times when I really don’t want to be feeling the way I am, this week has been one of those times. Tomorrow marks an anniversary of a big step that my ex took in his new relationship and it is eating away at me from the inside out. I have blogged about this topic before in a post I did two years ago on the actual day. ( Sometimes Broken Can Be Beautiful) I talked about how I had survived a day that I thought was going to be extremely painful but circumstances of MY day led me in a different direction. So why now? Why this week a couple of years later am I feeling like it just happened?
I’ve been trying to analyze the circumstance to see why it is so upsetting to me, other than the obvious of course. I haven’t been much help to myself in thinking about it so I’m trying to rationalize it but I’m not having luck there either. If I look at the senses that contribute to memory I come up empty. I do not have a visual memory nor did I actually hear what was going on in the moment; it’s not like I could touch or smell anything from that day either. I’m still left with the big WHY?
How is this memory, that is not mine in the first place, able to be so haunting? I have tried and tried to change my focus this week and it all comes back to that impending date. If it was possible to erase a day from the calendar, out of all the painful days I have had I have to admit I would erase that anniversary.
Here is my logical explanation, however logical it may or may not be. I spent 20 years married to my childhood sweetheart, my only true love, and on that one day, in possibly a brief hour, my heart was broken. Yes it was damaged during the divorce and everything that led up to it and even in the days following, but this one event was the icing on the cake so to speak.
So now I am at this point where I can see why I am reacting this way, how do I stop it? I’m sure someday this month and date will roll in and not be such a big storm for me, but in the meantime how do I embrace it so that it does not tear me up inside? As I write this tonight, I am sitting in my lovely pink office, (yes pink with glitter), candles are lit and I’m reminding myself to relax. I look up and focus on the oil painted butterfly that hangs above my desk and I am reminded of why I love the butterfly. STRENGTH, COURAGE, TRANSFORMATION and RE-BIRTH.
All of those qualities that I cling to with the butterfly are what I will have to use to get myself through. I will need the strength to not let myself get so upset; the courage to stand up against my feelings and tell myself that I will be OK; transformation will happen with each year I am faced with this pending date; and re-birth will happen on that day that I no longer remember what it meant.
As far as the war goes, I’ve won because I’ve acknowledged that I still need to heal from this. My inner-self is waving a white flag because it knows that as long as I am honest with myself, and continue the work on my healing, those feelings do not stand a chance.
Have you fought with your inner emotions? Please comment
Kimberly
Courageous Butterfly
3/19/14
Free To Be Me, Francesca Battistelli
Out of the Chrysalis 
Kimberly,
I am so very sorry you are having such trouble with your emotions right now.
Unfortunately I am presently very ill physically and cannot even finish reading your post.
I hope to feel better tomorrow – read all you have written and respond.
In the mean time please feel these HUGS I am sending your way!
HUGS!!
Phyllis
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Phyllis you have my hugs and prayers as well.
Kimberly
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Kimberly,
Read through your entire post.
It actually is quite lovely.
The honesty that you write with is truly healing for everyone who reads it.
I know I have often been where you find yourself. Even though I now realize that my relationship – though long – was not good for me emotionally and personally. The pain is still there. Some days are worse than others. Sometimes it has nothing to do with a particular day or event from the past or present – but is a day that I cannot seem to cease thinking about the past and feel like a failure.
No matter how many times I tell myself I was not a failure – I still feel that way. I find myself thinking – what could I have done differently to make things work. I then catch myself and say to myself – you did more than you needed to do. Remember what your friends and family have told you – you are indeed loveable – you are not a failure – you can still reach for the stars and find true happiness.
Emotions are so unpredictable. We never seem to know what will set them off. A word – a smell – a song – a date – so many different – supposedly unrelated events.
I am still working on Forgiveness. Not just of my ex and his new love – but more for myself. I’ve found I am truly critical of my own failings more than those of others.
Keep remembering why you chose the chrysalis as your symbol. It is truly the symbol of rebirth. Keep reminding yourself that you haven’t become that butterfly yet. Maybe you have come out but your wings are still not completely dry so you still cannot soar.
Blessings and HUGS!
Phyllis
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Hello, Kimberley, Phyllis and everybody
I can’t tell you how you inspire me. You are all so honest and open, and most of all brave.
Kimberley, it could almost have been me who wrote the article. I’m going through the same thing – feeling very wobbly, doubting my instincts and not knowing where to turn.
I have absolutely no closure. The one thing I do know is that he is feeling as lost and sad as I am. I’m not saying this split would never have happened – who can predict a happily ever after, but it is the circumstances – for some reason he became so terrified of what was happening between us – the only option for him was to run and deny me any contact whatsoever. This is a man who on the surface is totally in control, powerful, focused and very good at what he does. Nothing happened between us to indicate that he didn’t feel the same way for me as I did for him – but he was never very good at sharing his fears. I know through the grapevine that he’s in a bad space, although he’s working unbelievably hard to hide it. I also know that he isn’t with any body else.
I did the only thing I could do – and emailed him – that was two weeks ago, after five months of no contact whatsoever, and previous to the five months I felt him shutting down. I know I did the right thing – I wasn’t confrontational, and I let him know that I was doing it for ME, so I didn’t have to carry it around, with no resolution. I haven’t even had an acknowledgement that he received it.
What I can’t understand is that if only he would speak to me he could stop the pain building up in his mind. If he’s terrified of losing me and he does love me – why put both of us through this? I’ve had enough life experience to know that the best thing to do when somebody extraordinary comes into your life is to go with the flow – no time limits, just enjoy what it means to have them in your life. Be honest and up front, respectful – but I’ve learned through this that it doesn’t mean you get back what you want or deserve.
Thank God there are people like all of you around, who are not afraid of sharing their feelings and hopes in such a genuine way.
I wish you all healing and peace, and thank you so much for helping me make some sort of sense of what’s happening to me. If what I’ve written helps anybody, I’m glad.
Hugs to you all,
Lani
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Kimberly,
Something just came to me as I was preparing for a breakfast with a group of ladies.
When I am feeling unsure of myself – I look to the past for COMFORT.
At times I have tried to find my first love via the internet.
As I thought about why I did this I realized that there is comfort in the past. A knowing of what to expect. The future is uncertain – and as humans we often fight/flight the unknown.
I think we need to let go and reach for the unknown instead of looking for the “safety” of the known – the past. Only then can we truly soar – and become who we are meant to be.
We have been given this new life – this second chance – we need to embrace it and stop looking backwards.
Easier said than done – but something I will try to remind myself of each time I find myself looking backwards.
Blessings and Hugs.
Phyllis
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Phyllis,
Thank you for sharing how you feel. It takes a very brave lady to be so open. It may not seem like it, but you haven’t stopped progressing. You are allowed to forgive yourself. Look in the mirror and see the beautiful person you are, and tell the person in the mirror that she is a beautiful soul.
I can only tell you what has been told to me – that when the feelings come, go with them, don’t try to fight them – acknowledge that they are real and legitimate, and they’re not a punishment because you’ve done anything wrong.
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Phyllis and Lani thank you both for all the kind words. I will respond in more detail tomorrow. I’m treating myself OUT on the town tonight.
Blessings
Kimberly
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Lani,
Thank you for your lovely comment.
I do try to tell myself each day that I am worthy.
Breaking the cycle of negative feedback from my childhood is difficult and this event has only served to reinforce that feedback.
Luckily I have friends who continue to support me and tell me how worthy I am.
Blessings and Hugs to you!
Phyllis
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Hi All!
Today I was reading my Upper Room for the day and realized something about myself. I believe that part of what I have been dealing with over these last 3+ years is shame, fear and guilt about the ending of my relationship.
While I wasn’t the one who strayed – I am still shameful that I wasn’t good enough – I was and am fearful of being alone for the rest of my life and I feel great guilt about not accepting the signs that I saw when he began to stray. I knew in my heart that he was not being faithful – but my mind just wouldn’t accept it. After a couple of months of him pulling away from me – I pulled away from him. His disinterest in us and his actions towards me were so overt that I knew in my heart he had left the relationship. I just didn’t want to accept it. For that I feel great guilt.
Today I am going to try to forgive myself for the shame – fear and guilt I have been dealing with but have not been willing to accept. I think if I can forgive myself – I will find it in my heart to forgive him.
Blessings,
Phyllis
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Hi Phyllis, I have to say that your comment almost sounds like it came from my fingertips. I share so much of what you stated. I found it difficult to forgive myself as well. I started with just accepting the fact that it happened, I can’t go back, but also that it was my path. My kids would not be who they are today had it happened any differently. When I thought about it that way there really wasn’t anything I needed to forgive myself for. What I needed to do was just accept it and find peace that the events were supposed to happen just as they had.
Hugs,
Kimberly
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