How many times have we tried to go through a door the wrong way? And I’m speaking literally here. When it happens we look around to make sure that no one has seen it happen. Your walking with a purpose headed into your favorite store, your list in hand you approach the door and push, push, push. Why isn’t the door opening? It is then that directly in your line of vision, you see the rather large sign that says PULL. I’m three years post divorce and I feel like I have been living life pushing on doors that should have been pulled and pulling on doors that should have been pushed and I am getting nowhere.
I feel like things I am trying to accomplish in my new life are not going as I had planned. God laughs at our plans I know, but these are things that I thought would have been easier for me to do as time passes on. Deep down I know I am over my ex, but am I over the circumstances that led to our divorce? I have been very focused on my healing for the last few years and I was confident that I was doing everything I needed to in order to get past everything and get on with my life. Today I wonder if I ‘ll ever get there.
I’ve been pushing and pushing on a door that just won’t open, and that is the door that leads to my heart. Unfortunately for me my last two therapists have moved on and today I was forced to let loose on my hair stylist. I thought I was doing OK, since I recently committed to dating again, until my head was tilted back and into that bowl. It was like as she was rising my hair I was letting go of everything that has been cooped up in my heart. I’ve had my heart under lock and key since the divorce and I don’t know how to make it useful again. I have visions of breathing into a paper bag as I”m trying to push my way through this blockage and let myself feel again. 
When you lose a family member it is a death that is extremely hard to recover from, but sometimes I think recovering from a divorce is worse. You are mourning a death that you eventually want to put behind you so you can find someone new and begin again. Putting behind you the emotion’s, the heart ache, the circumstances, the anger, the hurt and letting yourself go to let someone else in has got to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to do. Don’t get me wrong it is something I want to do and I am going to try. My door of divorce was one that I pushed on for a very long time, it is time that I start pulling and letting doors open.
Every day of my healing is a learning experience and I recently learned that I am still recovering and I am not over the circumstances of my divorce. But instead of taking quick shallow breaths and breathing into the paper bag, I want to be able to take one nice cleansing breath and pull on that door and have it open with ease.
Have you been pushing on pull doors? Please comment and share.
Kimberly
Courageous Butterfly
2/22/14
Related links:
Out of the Chrysalis 
More insightful thoughts from you Kimberly.
I too am just barely 3 years from the ending of our relationship and a little over 2 years from the divorce.
As far as moving on – some days I think I am doing well – then something will happen that will “pull” me or “push” me backwards.
I love your creative way of describing that feeling like doing the opposite of what we are to do when we are at a door. Sometimes we get so caught up in what we are doing that it takes us a minute or so to see we are doing the exact opposite of what we should be doing.
Came to a realization this morning that I not only need to forgive my ex and his new partner – but more importantly MYSELF!
Perhaps forgiving myself is actually more important than forgiving them.
Perhaps the reason I am having difficulty forgiving them is because I can’t/haven’t forgiven myself.
Blessings to you!
Phyllis
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Dear Phyllis, you are right in that forgiving yourself has to come first and it is very hard for us to do. It means we have to admit possible failures or things that we saw happening that maybe we looked past. However I do believe that once we are able to find that forgiveness for ourselves we will have enough peace in our hearts to forgive others.
Kimberly
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Thank You Ever So for the Kind Pingback 🙂 Most Appreciated!
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I read Madeleine Albright’s memoirs some time ago. She described how for several years after her divorce she went on a fruitless journey of finding a companion to replace her husband. Then one day she realised she was not aching for a companion but rather for her loss of purpose (as a wife and mother). That was when she returned to her career which initially was academia and then later politics. The rest, is history with her becoming the first woman secretary of state. There is a subtle difference in that ache (between companionship and purpose) although often confused and they are of course intertwined. I thought I would share that with you because I have taken a while to separate these two aspects of loss myself.
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Dear elizabeth2560, I am in awe with your response it makes PERFECT sense. I went from being a happily married, stay at home mom to living away from my kids, trying to determine where or how I would work, and totally alone. I was out of the work force for 12 years and totally unaware of what I was going to be able to do as far as a job. I believe that I have been also searching for a companion in the midst of trying to find my purpose thinking that these two things should go together because I had them in my marriage. Thank you thank you for opening my eyes to this…and most likely inspiring my next post. Stay tuned!
Blessings,
Kimberly
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I am glad this has helped; albeit it may take some time to resolve. Don’t feel you need to rush things or be hard on yourself. These things take time, and your whole world is so different than it was.
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That is so true!!! There needs to be some sort of preparation for how much your world changes following a loss or a divorce. Everything from having your morning cup of coffee all the way down to watching TV at night. The little things are those that we don’t often think about we are always focused on the big things. Thanks again!
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Elizabeth – how wonderfully insightful of you!
I had not thought about this – though I have realized that I am not yet ready for dating. Wasn’t sure why – because shortly after the ending of our relationship I was ready to jump right in. I think it was for the very reasons you highlighted.
I am becoming more and more comfortable with myself and being alone most of the time. Would like to some day have a deep connection with someone from the opposite sex – but right now I’m quite content to be by myself or with lady friends.
Blessings,
Phyllis
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