It was a simple task…just dropping off a backpack….never did I imagine a breakdown almost three years post divorce. I thought that I had closed the door on my marriage and the divorce, and I was “over it”. Guess not. There I sat in my car looking at what used to be my house, my yard, it wasn’t the first time I had been through this; yet it seemed that way. My pulse started to race as I looked at the scenery. I could picture myself looking out of the windows that I was now looking into.
The yard is no longer mine, the decorations are now put up by someone else. I am so confused that all these emotions are happening after so long. I had no idea what my mind was going through and I was NOT a happy camper. The garage door was open and I was looking at a matched set of cars..how cute! Still not a big deal. I was just dropping off a bag.
He appeared and everything seemed different. It has been probably six months if not more that I have seen him, there he stood in what used to be “our home”. I didn’t know how to react. He stood there for just a minute then……hit the button and the garage door came down; he closed the door.
I lost it, cried all the way home. It was almost as if he did it on purpose. Which I know is just silliness. If I look to the spiritual side of myself I can say that what he did was a signal for me to shut the door and stop trying to look through the windows where I had previously lived. I know I”m not ready to look into them, and I know I have to stop trying to see out of them; they are no longer mine.
When I write my posts I look for a song to inspire me… tonight I googled “tears are healing” and found a song I never expected to find. I crumbled when I heard the fist verse….it was what I had lived… ” All those days watching from the window; all those years outside looking in; all that time never even knowing just how blind i’ve been” Stings a bit, .but it also sings of hope….hope for the future, “all at once everything looks different”.
Have you looked into the windows of your past? Please share.
Kimberly
Courageous Butterfly
10/21/13
Related Blogs/Links
Out of the Chrysalis 
Kim – it always amazes me how the littlest things will affect us in ways we never expect.
Even though we realize in the long run – we are better off now than if we were still in a relationship where the other person didn’t really care about us.
Thanks for sharing your story. I believe your sharing helps others to face events that cause them difficulty – cause them to “break down”. Knowing this is “normal” indeed does help all of us deal with events that make little sense to us intellectually. Realizing it isn’t our intellectual side but our emotional side that is reacting.
I believe we are trying to make sense of emotional events – intellectually – and that is impossible. We can’t make intellectual sense of an emotional response. Try as we might – our emotional side often does not make sense – cannot be intellectually understood. We need to simply accept that at times – our emotional side will overtake us and we will simply react in ways that don’t “make sense”.
Blessings!
Phyllis
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Phyllis, thank you very much for making sense of my post!! In the moment it’s hard sometimes to see past what it is I’m seeing!!
Kimberly
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My thoughts are with you today. I have read recently that we should not strive to “get over” our losses, but rather to make room for the suffering. Then, when the hurt and feelings of despair return (as inevitably they will), we are more able to accept the feelings, choose a valued direction in response, and take action.
This is a different response than others I have tried previously (such as thinking positively and focussing on transforming). I have tried this over the last few days when I was going through another ‘low’ period myself. I must admit it was uplifting knowing that I did not have to try and run away from my pain, that I was “allowed” to feel it. Interestingly by accepting it, it did lift a lot.
I do not think anything totally on its own will ever be the complete answer. However, I thought I would share this with you.
This type of approach is called ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) and a good book to read on it is ‘The Happiness Trap’.
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Hi Elizabeth, thank you so much for the book references, I will definitely check them out! I also thank you for kindness in responding to my post. The feelings I had when I wrote it were very surprising for me, I did not think I would react the way I did. We never know what life is going to bring day to day but I’m glad to know I have friends out there that I can vent to in cyberspace!!!
Thank you, hugs and many blessings!
Kimberly
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