“Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put Humpty together again.”  But what would have happened if they could?

Did you know that Humpty Dumpty was a cannon that was destroyed in battle July 14th-15th in 1648.  (which happens to be one day after my birthday) The cannon fell and could not be placed back on the wall.  I know that doesn’t sound very interesting we would rather focus on the cute egg that we all know and love.  The history of the poem is not what I want to talk about anyway it is the fact that the poem is so short; I wonder what would have happened had he/it been placed back on the wall?

I often think about where I was when my divorce started.  I was pretty low but still seated upon the wall.  I was struggling with the fact that I didn’t know any other life than the one I had been living for the last 20 years and I was afraid to face learning how to adapt. When I married I had my “Happily Ever After”.  I was in my place, the fear of not knowing what the future holds has been very scary for me.   I’m assuming Humpty would have felt the same way. His place was on that wall and when he fell that was it, he was done.  Humpty wasn’t as lucky as I, his men could not put him back together again but with the love of my friends, family, peers, counselors, and my faith I have been re-assembled.

I had a casual conversation today at lunch with a friend (my mentor really) we were talking about the new relationships I have formed since my struggle first began.  I realized how lucky I am to have so many good people placed into my life right when I needed them the most.  I have strengthened relationships with family, I have made new friends and I have reunited again with some old ones as well.  At the end of our conversation I told her that I feel like I am being put back together again; and that’s when good old Humpty popped in to my mind.

I was focused on him all day and finally researched the meaning of the poem which is when I found out that he  was actually a cannon used during war.  Well you know that got my juices flowing.  I feel like I have been at war the last few years with everything I went through.  It wasn’t as ugly as some but it wasn’t a walk in the park either.  There was a moment though when I did feel like a prisoner of war and I was at my lowest.  I’m going to get brave and share that moment with you.  It was actually the day of the divorce.

The courtroom  held myself, my ex, our attorneys and the judge.  I felt very vulnerable and scared.  We had reached our agreements so I knew what the outcome would be but I still had fear coursing through my veins.  The doors closed and we listened as the judge spoke.  I cannot even remember what he said we were mostly answering yes or no questions.  After about three minutes (which felt like 30) what was happening sunk in.  I reached for my lawyers hand and held it tight.  This my friends is when I fell off the wall.  I hardly knew this person yet she knew everything about me and my marriage and I needed her to hold onto me as I fell.  My life as I knew it was about to end and I had no idea what the future would hold.  I crumbled, I cried, the judge asked if I needed a moment I signaled no, I wanted it to be over with.  Right now is the first time that I’ve recalled that moment since it happened. It brings tears to my eyes but it also shows me how much I have changed since that day.  I have re-invented myself and I have become a newer, stronger version of who I once was.  Even though I’m stronger, I will always need a hand to hold and I welcome that because I know it is through those hands, that I am being put back together.

Tonight I am standing as a victor in my war because I survived it.  I fell off that wall just as Humpty, yet here I am hoping to be able to inspire and motivate others to get back up when you fall.  Let your kings horses and kings men put YOU back together again!

So my friends I ask you, have you fallen?  and how did your support team put you back together again?

Kimberly

Courageous Butterfly

4/25/12