When I awoke this morning I was very happy to see the blue skies and sun shining down on me.  I am away for spring break and today’s plans were to head to Gem Beach for some fun in the sun.  We headed out on our journey equipped with a map, towels for sitting in the sand and a fishing pole.  Now I will admit I’m not much of a map reader but I thought between the three young people walking with me one of us would be able to figure it out.  Needless to say the 10 minute walk to the lake ended up to be an hour do to a slightly wrong turn.  Upon our arrival we were a little bit moody and the beach was not what we had expected to find, yet I was determined to make the best of it and sure enough we did!

When we started heading to the water we noticed what we were standing on were piles of crushed sea shells, stacked one on top the other.  I felt so sad because most of them were broken and smashed but when I looked closer I noticed just how beautiful the broken shells were.  I looked out into the distance and saw how pretty the mounds of shells looked up against the water.  Then I got closer, I laid down my towel and sat down upon a mound and started to spread them around.  I was amazed at what I was finding and before long we were all sitting on a mound of broken shells resurrecting the ones that had survived their battle.

It was very peaceful listening to the water and digging through the shells and I took the opportunity for reflection.  I looked at my own life and how broken it had become during the last couple of years and how I at times I had felt just like the shells, broken and set aside.  I had been feeling this way a lot lately as I had recently become aware of the fact that my ex was moving on with his life with a pretty major event.

I will admit it’s been very difficult to process not because I want that relationship with him again but because it happened so soon after our divorce.  I have been letting my heart take the brunt of these emotions because that’s where the pain was coming from.  I felt like the marriage I shared with him must not have meant that much if he could move on so quickly.  In my mind my life with him was like these broken shells; set aside and left alone.

So today when I sat down to sort through the broken shells admiring their beauty I came across a few gems!   (Now I know why they call it Gem Beach).  We actually found a shell that resembles a butterfly and it wasn’t the only one.  I also found a fully enclosed shell that if opened would be just like the butterfly one.  I began to realize that just because something is broken does not mean that it has to be set aside.  I also found many broken shells that were still very beautiful and had some life left in them which is exactly how I felt when we got the call that my ex had made his “moving on” official, just moments after finding the butterfly shell.

Initially I thought I’d get sick to my stomach, but I didn’t.  Maybe it was because I was in a beautiful setting, maybe it was the sound of the water, or maybe it was knowing deep down that yes I have been broken but I do still have life left in me.  I am making the right choices in not letting what happened to me break me.  I have already seen good coming out of the bad and I know that as long as I stay focused on all of the good things that are now in my life, that would not have been there otherwise, I will be able to face anything head on.  I also know that life will bring me many challenges and something may come along and try to break me again, the key is to not live in fear of that.   I was so afraid of this week because I did not know what day I would be receiving the news and I see now that I didn’t have to spend so much of my time holding onto that fear.

I feel very blessed that maybe, just maybe, today I was finally released from the chrysalis I have been living in.  When you see something that you think was destroyed and set aside, do me a favor and take another look at it; you may find something wonderful just as I did today.

Courageous Butterfly

3/20/12